I started reading this old historical fiction novel the other night that I've been hauling around for years. I became a fan of the author in my twenties and have read most of his stuff, though my memories of specific plot details are real hazy.
Anyhoo, I was just gonna flip through this 1988 paperback and then toss it on the Get Rid Of pile but, damnit, the author keeps surprising me. He does things with adjectives I don't know how to do. I'm envious.
I came across one phrase the other night that blew me away:
... they fled into the muscadine shadows.
And another: ... the darkness emerald with waking dreams.
There's more: ... the yard swirled with children and ... he took it for its earthing power.
I'm having trouble deciding whether you can commandeer nouns like 'emerald' and force them into adjective work. Is it grammatically correct?
I don't care. I think I'll keep (re-)reading.
Saturday, August 01, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Best memoir about adolescence and racism EVER!
I grabbed a copy of "Jesus Land: A Memoir" on Friday out of a one dollar bin at a bookstore. I just finished it tonight.
I seem to always be just behind the curve of cultural phenomenons, and vaguely remember reading a review of this book in 2005 when it hit the literature circuit and Julia Scheeres' searing novel started picking up awards right and left.
"Jesus Land" is Julia's recollection of her childhood and adolescents growing up in a family run by fanatically strict fundamentalist Christian parents. But really it's about her adopted brother, David, who was African American and brought home by the author's parents when he was three where he became, in her words, 'my twin.'
Gentle, nerdy David's encounters with violent bigots become Julia's and the racism starts early. Part way through the book, Julia recounts the first time white kids try and beat them up ... they are just 8 years old.
In their teens, their parents relocate to rural Indiana, the upper domain of the Bible Belt where the locals treat David, and Julia by association, with anything but Christian kindness.
When Julia's other adopted brother, Jerome (the opposite of David in every way except his skin color), gets sent to prison, their parents ship David and then Julia to a fundamentalist Christian reform school in the Dominican Republic to "turn them around".
Julia Scheeres' description of life in Escuela Caribe doesn't read like a typical teen's recollection of boarding school or even a stint in juvenile detention. It's more like a Vietnamese POW camp. There's sleep deprivation, beatings, endless psychological torture and even typhoid.
If you only read one non-fiction book all this year, read this one.
I seem to always be just behind the curve of cultural phenomenons, and vaguely remember reading a review of this book in 2005 when it hit the literature circuit and Julia Scheeres' searing novel started picking up awards right and left.
"Jesus Land" is Julia's recollection of her childhood and adolescents growing up in a family run by fanatically strict fundamentalist Christian parents. But really it's about her adopted brother, David, who was African American and brought home by the author's parents when he was three where he became, in her words, 'my twin.'
Gentle, nerdy David's encounters with violent bigots become Julia's and the racism starts early. Part way through the book, Julia recounts the first time white kids try and beat them up ... they are just 8 years old.
In their teens, their parents relocate to rural Indiana, the upper domain of the Bible Belt where the locals treat David, and Julia by association, with anything but Christian kindness.
When Julia's other adopted brother, Jerome (the opposite of David in every way except his skin color), gets sent to prison, their parents ship David and then Julia to a fundamentalist Christian reform school in the Dominican Republic to "turn them around".
Julia Scheeres' description of life in Escuela Caribe doesn't read like a typical teen's recollection of boarding school or even a stint in juvenile detention. It's more like a Vietnamese POW camp. There's sleep deprivation, beatings, endless psychological torture and even typhoid.
If you only read one non-fiction book all this year, read this one.
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Unsafe at any speed
My uterus tried to kill me on Tuesday. This attempt on my life by an internal organ came just before my 44th birthday.
I have no idea WHY my uterus tried to do this, she's always been a fairly quiet, taciturn gal unlike my ovaries who spent a good chunk of my twenties psychically screaming at me and offering up grapefruit-sized cysts like some weird threat. Get pregnant now bitch, or your lower intestinal tract gets it!
Visiting the ER just prior to your birthday means that every pasty, gray-green LPN/RN/NP/PA you meet, stops mid-monotone medical questioning and suddenly says "Oh, happy birthday!" Like they're really thrilled you dropped in to see them (a complete stranger) while they were working in the ER (a tense, dirty, despairing place that makes Greyhound bus stations seem hopeful and clean).
There's this weird assumption some men make about having a woman's body. It's assumed we know what we're doing, like we orchestrate and schedule things like morning sickness, endometriosis and breast cancer. Like maybe I just penciled in the word "hemorrhage" under Tuesday, June 30th on my wall calendar. As if I have some sort of communication and/or bargaining power with the complicated plumbing that makes up my sex organs. Note to my ovaries: Okay girls, no cramps before the end of the month or I take away all the chocolate.
The reality is when it comes to having a woman's body? Fellas, we have no fucking clue how to drive this thing. Communicating with our bodies is like giving directions to a 13-yr-old Brazilian cab driver in English. No comprende.
We women, hopefully, have a sort of body awareness. We get a feel for when things are going to happen, like puffing up like a water balloon means Aunt Flo's on her way or whatever. But it's not like my vag talks to me or something. It doesn't tell me what it's going to do.
My sex organ is like a brainless, flighty 2-yr-old Thoroughbred filly who flits around a pasture bolting away from every butterfly or bee that drifts past the end of her nose. She's unsafe at any speed and with any rider. My ovaries and uterus are like the Chevy Covair of the vital organ world. Seriously, Ralph Nader should publish a study on my vag and all the near collisions it's almost caused.
So right now, I'm doing what every woman on earth who lives any where near modern medical facilities does: I'm waiting. I had an ultrasound on Wednesday, right after the Tuesday High Drama in the ER but I have to wait.
I hate to wait.
I have no idea WHY my uterus tried to do this, she's always been a fairly quiet, taciturn gal unlike my ovaries who spent a good chunk of my twenties psychically screaming at me and offering up grapefruit-sized cysts like some weird threat. Get pregnant now bitch, or your lower intestinal tract gets it!
Visiting the ER just prior to your birthday means that every pasty, gray-green LPN/RN/NP/PA you meet, stops mid-monotone medical questioning and suddenly says "Oh, happy birthday!" Like they're really thrilled you dropped in to see them (a complete stranger) while they were working in the ER (a tense, dirty, despairing place that makes Greyhound bus stations seem hopeful and clean).
There's this weird assumption some men make about having a woman's body. It's assumed we know what we're doing, like we orchestrate and schedule things like morning sickness, endometriosis and breast cancer. Like maybe I just penciled in the word "hemorrhage" under Tuesday, June 30th on my wall calendar. As if I have some sort of communication and/or bargaining power with the complicated plumbing that makes up my sex organs. Note to my ovaries: Okay girls, no cramps before the end of the month or I take away all the chocolate.
The reality is when it comes to having a woman's body? Fellas, we have no fucking clue how to drive this thing. Communicating with our bodies is like giving directions to a 13-yr-old Brazilian cab driver in English. No comprende.
We women, hopefully, have a sort of body awareness. We get a feel for when things are going to happen, like puffing up like a water balloon means Aunt Flo's on her way or whatever. But it's not like my vag talks to me or something. It doesn't tell me what it's going to do.
My sex organ is like a brainless, flighty 2-yr-old Thoroughbred filly who flits around a pasture bolting away from every butterfly or bee that drifts past the end of her nose. She's unsafe at any speed and with any rider. My ovaries and uterus are like the Chevy Covair of the vital organ world. Seriously, Ralph Nader should publish a study on my vag and all the near collisions it's almost caused.
So right now, I'm doing what every woman on earth who lives any where near modern medical facilities does: I'm waiting. I had an ultrasound on Wednesday, right after the Tuesday High Drama in the ER but I have to wait.
I hate to wait.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Paranoid, Neurotic, Psycho Feline
... seeks similar in human owner.
Enjoys sleeping 22 hours a day, hiding, cringing, randomly freaking out, kicking cat litter across the room and climbing on kitchen counters when no one is home.
Hates sunlight, cuddling, petting, loud noises, other life forms, expensive cat toys, catnip (what IS that stuff?), normal cat food, chicken, being observed and refrigerator motors.
Email foster cat mom for more info.
(sigh) When can I take her back to the SPCA?
Enjoys sleeping 22 hours a day, hiding, cringing, randomly freaking out, kicking cat litter across the room and climbing on kitchen counters when no one is home.
Hates sunlight, cuddling, petting, loud noises, other life forms, expensive cat toys, catnip (what IS that stuff?), normal cat food, chicken, being observed and refrigerator motors.
Email foster cat mom for more info.
(sigh) When can I take her back to the SPCA?
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The "Easy Button" Circle Jerk
After months of stir craziness, I'm about to take the first minimum wage job that comes along. Yesterday I went to Staples' job site. What a pain in my ass some of these HR sites are. An HOUR minimum to complete their form pages?
So the first mine in the turd field was this credit check disclosure statement (this is for a minimum-wage job stocking printer paper and holding up a wall):
This application contains a number of disclosures and consent forms which usually are provided in written form. I understand that I have the right to receive such disclosures and give my consent or authorization on paper instead of electronically. If I do consent (blah, blah, blah) applies only to the electronic transactions related to this job application, and that I can access the electronic records by contacting Unicru. I further understand that I may request a paper copy of any consent or authorization I give electronically. I may receive such paper copies at no cost within the next 60 days by contacting Unicru at 1-800-338-6321 or visiting www.unicru.com for contact information.
Translation: We're going to ask for a lot of unnecessarily personal information and then we're going to get this fly-by-night outfit, Unicru, to snoop around in your credit rating. Don't sue us.
(Actually, I've read the FCRA and I don't remember the plot line going quite this way)
Fair Credit Reporting Act
I understand that a background check (Consumer Report) may be obtained for employment purposes only at Staples.
Staples may make inquiries to Sterling Testing Systems, Inc., a Consumer Reporting Agency, concerning your employment suitability and qualification. You may contact Sterling Testing Systems, Inc.: 800.899.2272 or Find contact information on Sterling Testing Systems, Inc. using any computer connected with the World Wide Web at: http://www.sterlingtesting.com. [Please do not contact Sterling Testing Systems, Inc. for the status of your employment application. Sterling Testing Systems, Inc. does not have access to this information and will not be able to respond to your request.] [Please do not contact Unicru for results of the background check. Unicru does not have access to the report and will not be able to respond to your request. Sterling will provide you with a copy of your consumer report upon written request.] Staples may verify all or part of the information I give Staples. (Translation: we probably won't even read your application). I hereby authorize Staples to procure a consumer report and, to the extent permitted by law, make any inquiry into my credit history, motor vehicle driving record, criminal and civil records, prior employment (including contacting prior employers), education as well as other public record information.
If any of you, like me are tired of this corporate home invasion crap, feel free to call the number above and tell these people that they're violating both federal labor and credit law.
But wait, it gets better. In the Employment History of this form page which is longer than a tape worm's rectum, they give only these options for why you are no longer with your last employer:
* Why did you leave this employer? (check all that apply)
Translation: Hey Fuck Up, how'd you lose your last job?
When you file for state unemployment insurance, they offer only three possible reasons:
1) Laid off due to lack of work,
2) Fired/terminated for reason and
3) Voluntarily quit.
Apparently three simple answers is just not good enough for ol' Staples!
Then the real fun begins. A 36-page psych test to determine whether or not you're going to be 5 bucks short on your till. And then companies like this one or FedExKinkos and Mall-Wart scratch their bloated corporate heads and wonder why they have such high turn over and why it's costing them so much annually to go through the laborious process of hiring people?
Maybe, Mr. Corporation, if you didn't start by treating prospective employees like they were felons ...
So the first mine in the turd field was this credit check disclosure statement (this is for a minimum-wage job stocking printer paper and holding up a wall):
This application contains a number of disclosures and consent forms which usually are provided in written form. I understand that I have the right to receive such disclosures and give my consent or authorization on paper instead of electronically. If I do consent (blah, blah, blah) applies only to the electronic transactions related to this job application, and that I can access the electronic records by contacting Unicru. I further understand that I may request a paper copy of any consent or authorization I give electronically. I may receive such paper copies at no cost within the next 60 days by contacting Unicru at 1-800-338-6321 or visiting www.unicru.com for contact information.
Translation: We're going to ask for a lot of unnecessarily personal information and then we're going to get this fly-by-night outfit, Unicru, to snoop around in your credit rating. Don't sue us.
(Actually, I've read the FCRA and I don't remember the plot line going quite this way)
Fair Credit Reporting Act
I understand that a background check (Consumer Report) may be obtained for employment purposes only at Staples.
Staples may make inquiries to Sterling Testing Systems, Inc., a Consumer Reporting Agency, concerning your employment suitability and qualification. You may contact Sterling Testing Systems, Inc.: 800.899.2272 or Find contact information on Sterling Testing Systems, Inc. using any computer connected with the World Wide Web at: http://www.sterlingtesting.com. [Please do not contact Sterling Testing Systems, Inc. for the status of your employment application. Sterling Testing Systems, Inc. does not have access to this information and will not be able to respond to your request.] [Please do not contact Unicru for results of the background check. Unicru does not have access to the report and will not be able to respond to your request. Sterling will provide you with a copy of your consumer report upon written request.] Staples may verify all or part of the information I give Staples. (Translation: we probably won't even read your application). I hereby authorize Staples to procure a consumer report and, to the extent permitted by law, make any inquiry into my credit history, motor vehicle driving record, criminal and civil records, prior employment (including contacting prior employers), education as well as other public record information.
If any of you, like me are tired of this corporate home invasion crap, feel free to call the number above and tell these people that they're violating both federal labor and credit law.
But wait, it gets better. In the Employment History of this form page which is longer than a tape worm's rectum, they give only these options for why you are no longer with your last employer:
* Why did you leave this employer? (check all that apply)
- Accepted a job somewhere else
- Returned to school
- Moved to a new location
- Did not like the work
- Dissatisfaction with my supervisor
- Unhappy with my pay and/or benefits
- Terminated due to attendance
- Terminated due to poor performance
- Terminated for not following policies
- Terminated due to economic downsizing or store closure
- Lack of steady work/not enough hours
- Had conflicts with the work schedule
- Lack of advancement opportunities
- Wanted a job that better suited my abilities
- Did not get along with coworkers
- Unhappy with company policies or rules
- Seasonal job
- I am still working for this employer
Translation: Hey Fuck Up, how'd you lose your last job?
When you file for state unemployment insurance, they offer only three possible reasons:
1) Laid off due to lack of work,
2) Fired/terminated for reason and
3) Voluntarily quit.
Apparently three simple answers is just not good enough for ol' Staples!
Then the real fun begins. A 36-page psych test to determine whether or not you're going to be 5 bucks short on your till. And then companies like this one or FedExKinkos and Mall-Wart scratch their bloated corporate heads and wonder why they have such high turn over and why it's costing them so much annually to go through the laborious process of hiring people?
Maybe, Mr. Corporation, if you didn't start by treating prospective employees like they were felons ...
Friday, May 15, 2009
Forgive Student Loan Debt
Robert Applebaum and Kevin Bartoy are better than super heroes. They're ordinary people who are questioning WHY in the fuck former college students should be straddled with unbearable debt FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES?!
How does crippling debt and non-existent credit = healthy free-market capitalism???
How are we supposed to be good little mindless consumers and help drive the ponderous engine of the Western World forward when we can't even afford the cheap plastic crap at Mall-Wart?
What I've been wondering for the last half dozen years is, what's next?
Will debtor's prisons make a come back ala Charles Dickens?
Or will we just have privatized corporate prisons where everybody gets let out for the day to go work and then comes home to lock down?
Forgive Student Loan Debt.
How does crippling debt and non-existent credit = healthy free-market capitalism???
How are we supposed to be good little mindless consumers and help drive the ponderous engine of the Western World forward when we can't even afford the cheap plastic crap at Mall-Wart?
What I've been wondering for the last half dozen years is, what's next?
Will debtor's prisons make a come back ala Charles Dickens?
Or will we just have privatized corporate prisons where everybody gets let out for the day to go work and then comes home to lock down?
Forgive Student Loan Debt.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Trekkin'
I went and saw "Star Trek" yesterday. I got to the downtown megaplex waaay too early, so bought my ticket and then had to wander and look at all the stuff I couldn't afford and didn't really need.
Anyhoo, the flick was pretty good. Abrams has a knack for gathering casts that have a fair amount of synergy. Zachary Quinto was delish as the new Spock and Chris Pine was surprisingly good stepping into the Spandex of Bill-the-Pregnant-Pause-Shatner. At one point, the actors were doing such a good job feeling out the whole Spock/Kirk bromance I thought they were gonna kiss, like with tongue and everything. Ah well, hopefully in the next installment.
My only complaint: Abrams used the now industry-standard, rapid fire editing. You barely have time to process one scene and the camera is lurching off to show us the next explosion or flying debris, whatever. I know it's the norm now, but I still don't like it.
Ursula Le Guin is right: we're now substituting violence for drama.
B+
Anyhoo, the flick was pretty good. Abrams has a knack for gathering casts that have a fair amount of synergy. Zachary Quinto was delish as the new Spock and Chris Pine was surprisingly good stepping into the Spandex of Bill-the-Pregnant-Pause-Shatner. At one point, the actors were doing such a good job feeling out the whole Spock/Kirk bromance I thought they were gonna kiss, like with tongue and everything. Ah well, hopefully in the next installment.
My only complaint: Abrams used the now industry-standard, rapid fire editing. You barely have time to process one scene and the camera is lurching off to show us the next explosion or flying debris, whatever. I know it's the norm now, but I still don't like it.
Ursula Le Guin is right: we're now substituting violence for drama.
B+
Friday, April 24, 2009
Fuckidol
Yesterday, after an un-enthused two hours at the gym (lung infection kicking my ass) I hiked over to Whole Paycheck Market for some bagels and soy milk. In the process of hiking the 1.2 miles to the store I lost my prescription eyeglasses out of my pocket (had the prescip sunglasses on at the time). I spent yesterday late afternoon stomping through rush hour up and down Denny Way in search of my specks to no avail.
What's weird is, while I was walking to the store, some gimpy homeless crazy started following me. In Seattle we are ass-deep in homeless crazies so I'm used to it. But at one point the guy sorta dogged me for two blocks muttering loudly to (I thought) himself. Every time I hit a stop light, I'd pause, pull my iPod headphones off and glance back at him and he'd be about a half block back giving me the Woolly Crazy Eyeball.
I'm now wondering if Mr. Offhismeds found my eyeglasses and was, in his own Thorazine way, trying to give them back.
Shit, shit, shit! I really liked those glasses. After checking today, I found out it would run me about 400 bucks to replace them.
In other news, I had this flu cold that I think I possibly caught from the cat I fostered for two weeks. Said flu has left my sinuses/throat but remains dug into my lungs like a tick in a dog's ass. I don't even remember how many times I woke up last night and coughed and coughed while hanging my head over the side of the bed. Echinacea, etc. has been only partially helpful.
Fuckidol, I'm going to Linuxfest in B-ham tomorrow.
What's weird is, while I was walking to the store, some gimpy homeless crazy started following me. In Seattle we are ass-deep in homeless crazies so I'm used to it. But at one point the guy sorta dogged me for two blocks muttering loudly to (I thought) himself. Every time I hit a stop light, I'd pause, pull my iPod headphones off and glance back at him and he'd be about a half block back giving me the Woolly Crazy Eyeball.
I'm now wondering if Mr. Offhismeds found my eyeglasses and was, in his own Thorazine way, trying to give them back.
Shit, shit, shit! I really liked those glasses. After checking today, I found out it would run me about 400 bucks to replace them.
In other news, I had this flu cold that I think I possibly caught from the cat I fostered for two weeks. Said flu has left my sinuses/throat but remains dug into my lungs like a tick in a dog's ass. I don't even remember how many times I woke up last night and coughed and coughed while hanging my head over the side of the bed. Echinacea, etc. has been only partially helpful.
Fuckidol, I'm going to Linuxfest in B-ham tomorrow.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The DEpression and pets
MSNBC had a great article on how the 'recession' is affecting pet owners and how the number of dogs and cats being surrendered to the SPCA (and municipal dog pounds) is skyrocketing.
I took Mer kitty back to the SPCA today out in Eastgate. She's a love but I just can't be anything other than a 'foster' cat mom right now since I'm not even sure how much longer I'll be living in this area.
Anyhoo, the stories about people forfeiting their pets because they're losing their home are tragic.
I took Mer kitty back to the SPCA today out in Eastgate. She's a love but I just can't be anything other than a 'foster' cat mom right now since I'm not even sure how much longer I'll be living in this area.
Anyhoo, the stories about people forfeiting their pets because they're losing their home are tragic.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
(Foster) Cat Mom
I'm a foster cat mom now. I signed up as a volunteer with the SPCA a week ago. Mercedes (hate the name, call her 'Mer') has been ensconced here for a week. Her horrible lung infection is gone and I'm FINALLY done force-feeding her antibiotics.
When I signed up, I had this picture of a cute, sweet 5-month old kitten to take care of. Instead, the head volunteer honcho handed me a carrier with a 16.5 pound 7-year-old female cat. I nearly dislocated my shoulder lugging her home from the Sound Transit stop.
To her credit, Mer Kitty is demure, quiet, perfectly litter-box trained, doesn't destroy house plants and was the quietest cat I've ever transported in a carrier. (I helped a friend haul a couple of her cats to the vet a few years ago and it was YOWLING, inhuman SHRIEKING and non-stop insanity for two miles through terrible Seattle traffic.)
Anyhoo, she goes back to SPCA next Thursday and then I'm going to take a volunteer 'break' and wait a couple weeks before I have to start dealing with litter boxes and cat fleas again.
Right now, seriously folks, I don't know if I'm going to have a place to live come May 5th. No lie, the shit in my life is that deep.
UPDATE: Mer Kitty's catnip addiction is out of hand. She's now demanding 'cat crack' at all hours of the night. I've had to cut her off the herb. She's out of control! ;p
When I signed up, I had this picture of a cute, sweet 5-month old kitten to take care of. Instead, the head volunteer honcho handed me a carrier with a 16.5 pound 7-year-old female cat. I nearly dislocated my shoulder lugging her home from the Sound Transit stop.
To her credit, Mer Kitty is demure, quiet, perfectly litter-box trained, doesn't destroy house plants and was the quietest cat I've ever transported in a carrier. (I helped a friend haul a couple of her cats to the vet a few years ago and it was YOWLING, inhuman SHRIEKING and non-stop insanity for two miles through terrible Seattle traffic.)
Anyhoo, she goes back to SPCA next Thursday and then I'm going to take a volunteer 'break' and wait a couple weeks before I have to start dealing with litter boxes and cat fleas again.
Right now, seriously folks, I don't know if I'm going to have a place to live come May 5th. No lie, the shit in my life is that deep.
UPDATE: Mer Kitty's catnip addiction is out of hand. She's now demanding 'cat crack' at all hours of the night. I've had to cut her off the herb. She's out of control! ;p
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Creep Me Out!
I have a checking account (and almost penniless savings) with a huge, well-known west coast bank. The last few months, the bank has been creeping me out to no end. I have "online banking" but I still insist on the old monthly bank statements.
Anyhoo, watching mysterious "overdraft" fees magically appear on my online account one day and then mysteriously vanish the next day is getting old.
Yesterday, my unemployment insurance went through in deposits but before that, the bank was trying to auto draft my monthly ISP bill plus some weird "overdraft" fees (the ISP is a whopping 45 bucks a month) and I only had like $30 in checking at the time. The catch is, I checked and the auto draft for my ISP bill wasn't supposed to go through for another 48 hours. WTF?!
It's like watching a fucking game of Three-Card Monty.
To paraphrase Bill Maher: "Stop trying to sell me online banking shit to make my money safe. I put it in a bank because BANKS are supposed to be safe!"
Anyhoo, watching mysterious "overdraft" fees magically appear on my online account one day and then mysteriously vanish the next day is getting old.
Yesterday, my unemployment insurance went through in deposits but before that, the bank was trying to auto draft my monthly ISP bill plus some weird "overdraft" fees (the ISP is a whopping 45 bucks a month) and I only had like $30 in checking at the time. The catch is, I checked and the auto draft for my ISP bill wasn't supposed to go through for another 48 hours. WTF?!
It's like watching a fucking game of Three-Card Monty.
To paraphrase Bill Maher: "Stop trying to sell me online banking shit to make my money safe. I put it in a bank because BANKS are supposed to be safe!"
Saturday, February 28, 2009
One dollar's worth of hope?
A few weeks ago my checking acount balance plummeted to like minus 10 cents or something. Anyhoo, I fixed the problem and then, weirdly, this showed up in my mail.
I've been denied an ETB (foodstamp card) because I "make too much money" on Unemployment Insurance.
Then, bizarrely, Washington Social Services sends me this check for a whopping one dollar. Don't know if my balance had anything to do with this or if it's part of the first stimulus that Bush signed right before he left?
Also it might be a new annual WA state thing for low-income renters. Once again living in CHHIP housing has helped me just enough to annoy me ... but not really help.
I can now buy half a cup of coffee.
Oh wait, I can't. The Tully's closed.
I've been denied an ETB (foodstamp card) because I "make too much money" on Unemployment Insurance.
Then, bizarrely, Washington Social Services sends me this check for a whopping one dollar. Don't know if my balance had anything to do with this or if it's part of the first stimulus that Bush signed right before he left?
Also it might be a new annual WA state thing for low-income renters. Once again living in CHHIP housing has helped me just enough to annoy me ... but not really help.
I can now buy half a cup of coffee.
Oh wait, I can't. The Tully's closed.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Best Alternet Essay EVER!
Boys can't handle this.
I'm jealous of 'anonymous', wish I'd written it. I especially like the beginning.
And here's yet another Alternet essay I'm jealous of:
Stella ... where is your groove?
Amanda Marcotte hits point after point when discussing hetero women's sex drives (or the lack of) but this one really stood out:
To add to it, sexual desire in our culture is almost solely contextualized as something straight males have and not anyone else. Images of nubile (presumably straight) women with no clothes on still signify "sex" in our culture. Half-dressed women greet straight men everywhere they turn with beckoning smiles and lidded eyes, titillating men and inspiring men to think about sex constantly. Straight women don't get near the provocation on a daily basis -- is it any wonder that 60% of the men who answered the Consumer Reports survey thought about sex once a day, but only 19% of women?
One for the hetero girls
I'm jealous of 'anonymous', wish I'd written it. I especially like the beginning.
And here's yet another Alternet essay I'm jealous of:
Stella ... where is your groove?
Amanda Marcotte hits point after point when discussing hetero women's sex drives (or the lack of) but this one really stood out:
To add to it, sexual desire in our culture is almost solely contextualized as something straight males have and not anyone else. Images of nubile (presumably straight) women with no clothes on still signify "sex" in our culture. Half-dressed women greet straight men everywhere they turn with beckoning smiles and lidded eyes, titillating men and inspiring men to think about sex constantly. Straight women don't get near the provocation on a daily basis -- is it any wonder that 60% of the men who answered the Consumer Reports survey thought about sex once a day, but only 19% of women?
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
American Idiot
On slow nights (we unemployed have a few) I've watched Wife Swap. It's this over-the-top reality show that doesn't just press the offensive button, it leans on it for 54 minutes once a week.
One episode had a white supremacist family swapping moms with an African American family. There's been a lot of so-rural-we-say-shucks families mixing it up with city slickers. And Wife Swap has done the Pagan-Punk-Rocker Mom vs. the Bible-thumping-hillbilly family to DEATH.
Now, weirdly, America is offended by the latest installment. (This after several seasons of offensive?!!!) Yes, the lethargic ire of white trash America has been roused by a Brit Twit in San Francisco, a city that's actively cultivated snobbery since about 1979.
Apparently what's got everybody's Wall-Mart undies in a twist is the fact that the twit was A) un-apologetically rude, B) brazenly proud of his (apparently upper) class and C) he's a foreigner, dagnabit!
So after multiple seasons of paranoid, controlling, psychotic husbands forbidding their families to watch 'sinful TV', dine in restaurants that serve 'murdered animals' or fail to clean their rooms ala boot camp style with a toothbrush -- they're upset because some Brit Twit talked trash about ATVs?!
I wonder how much of this ire is about the Twit verbally lashing out at the redneck wife and hurting her feelings vs. his attack on 'Merkica and the slothful, stupid pastimes so heavily promoted in some parts of the country (Missouri, anyone?).
ATVs are stupid and they do promote laziness, just like the American car or SUV. And paintball is great if you live in a trailer in Tennessee and you've run out of cows to tip, but promoting it as a way to get your gap-toothed spawn into college? PA-LEASSSE!
The Twit is right if it only takes some Toff asshat like him to get under America's skin. We are inbred, stupid and lazy if that's all it takes.
One episode had a white supremacist family swapping moms with an African American family. There's been a lot of so-rural-we-say-shucks families mixing it up with city slickers. And Wife Swap has done the Pagan-Punk-Rocker Mom vs. the Bible-thumping-hillbilly family to DEATH.
Now, weirdly, America is offended by the latest installment. (This after several seasons of offensive?!!!) Yes, the lethargic ire of white trash America has been roused by a Brit Twit in San Francisco, a city that's actively cultivated snobbery since about 1979.
Apparently what's got everybody's Wall-Mart undies in a twist is the fact that the twit was A) un-apologetically rude, B) brazenly proud of his (apparently upper) class and C) he's a foreigner, dagnabit!
So after multiple seasons of paranoid, controlling, psychotic husbands forbidding their families to watch 'sinful TV', dine in restaurants that serve 'murdered animals' or fail to clean their rooms ala boot camp style with a toothbrush -- they're upset because some Brit Twit talked trash about ATVs?!
I wonder how much of this ire is about the Twit verbally lashing out at the redneck wife and hurting her feelings vs. his attack on 'Merkica and the slothful, stupid pastimes so heavily promoted in some parts of the country (Missouri, anyone?).
ATVs are stupid and they do promote laziness, just like the American car or SUV. And paintball is great if you live in a trailer in Tennessee and you've run out of cows to tip, but promoting it as a way to get your gap-toothed spawn into college? PA-LEASSSE!
The Twit is right if it only takes some Toff asshat like him to get under America's skin. We are inbred, stupid and lazy if that's all it takes.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Traveling with Tyler
This has been floating around the web for a few years but I decided to grab it off a travel site and link it here.
It's just ... lovely!
And to think ol' Richard was tellin' me about creative minimalism way back in 1991.
It's just ... lovely!
And to think ol' Richard was tellin' me about creative minimalism way back in 1991.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Dr. Phil = Not really a doctor, not really wise
I knew there was a reason I've linked to Feministing.com!!!
What an awesome rant on an utterly retarded show.
Yeah, fuck you Phil, you creepy shit kicker.
What an awesome rant on an utterly retarded show.
Yeah, fuck you Phil, you creepy shit kicker.
Maybe Omar's torture will end?
On the first day of the Obama Administration, the President (damn, it feels good to say that!) ordered a freeze on all of the pending Guantanamo cases via those very shady military tribunals.
Omar Khadr specifically was mentioned in the presidential order. I posted a link to the original story about Omar that ran in Rolling Stone magazine in Oct. 2006.
It's a grim, horrific story about a 15-yr-old kid raised by a fundamentalist Islamic father who was seized by U.S. Special Ops during a raid on a villa in Afghanistan. Omar (again, remember raised by a fundamentalist parent) was part of the firefight that took place. One of the military Special Forces soldiers died in the firefight and they took Omar prisoner.
To try and understand the sheer stupidity and insanity of the Bush Administration, imagine if our country had 'arrested' and 'indefinitely detained' every 15-yr-old North Vietnamese that had ever fired a rifle at U.S. troops.
I know I'm supposed to be dancing and throwing flowers but the truly Liberal part of me still wants to see Cheney, Rumsfeld, etc. in handcuffs.
Actually, I'd prefer orange jumpsuits and chains.
Omar Khadr specifically was mentioned in the presidential order. I posted a link to the original story about Omar that ran in Rolling Stone magazine in Oct. 2006.
It's a grim, horrific story about a 15-yr-old kid raised by a fundamentalist Islamic father who was seized by U.S. Special Ops during a raid on a villa in Afghanistan. Omar (again, remember raised by a fundamentalist parent) was part of the firefight that took place. One of the military Special Forces soldiers died in the firefight and they took Omar prisoner.
To try and understand the sheer stupidity and insanity of the Bush Administration, imagine if our country had 'arrested' and 'indefinitely detained' every 15-yr-old North Vietnamese that had ever fired a rifle at U.S. troops.
I know I'm supposed to be dancing and throwing flowers but the truly Liberal part of me still wants to see Cheney, Rumsfeld, etc. in handcuffs.
Actually, I'd prefer orange jumpsuits and chains.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I am Joe's Inflamed Spine
Haven't posted for a while. Hell, have barely been online enough to check my email, monitor my descent into un-popular on Authonomy and order a couple of discounted DVDs on Amazon.
I can't believe I made it all the way past 40 without nary a glimpse into the masochistic world of back injuries.
Yup, that's right. After years of lugging 85-pound backpacks up 60% grades for the Forest Service and humping over-sized TV sets and awkward furniture in and out of more dive rentals than I can remember, I'm now the proud owner of a seriously fucked up lower back.
I'm more than a little irked at my chiropractor for waiting until now to say 'um, yeah maybe you need an MRI' rather than seven months ago when I still had insurance.
So on Monday I enter the murky world of workman's comp. And this is a work-related disease. I spent 8-12 hours a day sitting in a chair while contracted to Boeing and other companies in the area.
It's weird to think the most-perceived-as-lazy job has crippled me: a desk job.
And I have all the typical symptoms of a A) herniated disc, B) leaky disc, C) inflamed disc or D) all of the above. I have shooting pain, weakness in both legs, weird twinges and pain in my feet and outside of my legs, sharp sciatica-type pain inside my groin and now both thighs, a swollen, slushy feeling in my lower back, etc., etc.
So Monday, after a quick visit to the chiropractor, I throw myself on the mercy of the ER. I'm bringing something to read.
I can't believe I made it all the way past 40 without nary a glimpse into the masochistic world of back injuries.
Yup, that's right. After years of lugging 85-pound backpacks up 60% grades for the Forest Service and humping over-sized TV sets and awkward furniture in and out of more dive rentals than I can remember, I'm now the proud owner of a seriously fucked up lower back.
I'm more than a little irked at my chiropractor for waiting until now to say 'um, yeah maybe you need an MRI' rather than seven months ago when I still had insurance.
So on Monday I enter the murky world of workman's comp. And this is a work-related disease. I spent 8-12 hours a day sitting in a chair while contracted to Boeing and other companies in the area.
It's weird to think the most-perceived-as-lazy job has crippled me: a desk job.
And I have all the typical symptoms of a A) herniated disc, B) leaky disc, C) inflamed disc or D) all of the above. I have shooting pain, weakness in both legs, weird twinges and pain in my feet and outside of my legs, sharp sciatica-type pain inside my groin and now both thighs, a swollen, slushy feeling in my lower back, etc., etc.
So Monday, after a quick visit to the chiropractor, I throw myself on the mercy of the ER. I'm bringing something to read.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Thanks David Horsey
About 15 days and counting until the Retarded Rodeo Clown rides off to his secret lair in Uruguay.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
BUGGER OFF!
Does anybody else feel stalked by asshats with boomboxes blaring 'CHRISTMAS HITS OF 1997'? The drunk Filipino retirees across the street in the 10-story condo have seen fit to inflict their taste in Xmas classics on all of us tonight. I'm growing to hate living in the city, at least this close to downtown.
Anyway, I went crazy a few days back and did a review of every flick that was released in the U.S. in 2008 that I've actually seen -- this is leaving out a bunch of Holiday Blockbusters like 'Milk' and 'Day the Earth Stood Still'.
Judging from the size of the list, I really should get out more.
My review of 2008 Films:
Cloverfield – what was J.J. Abrams thinking when he backed this silly digital hand-held mess? The best line was when Blonde Unknown Actor No. 2 shrieked "I'm gonna crap my pants!" Now that's comedy. 1 star
Teeth – FINALLY a coming-of-age-getting-laid film where for the first time a girl is not punished for her budding sexuality, her boyfriends are. Okay, the perpetual lopping off of penises is a bit over kill and, of course, it's all a latent gay man revenge fantasy but it's fun. At least they poke a stick at the Jesus freaks and the absurdness of chastity. 3 stars
Rambo – Surprisingly tasteful action-adventure from the man who practically invented the genre and who is really too old to be running through any jungle. The entire crew should have gotten an award for shooting on location in Thailand in 110-degree heat with 95% humidity. It was nice of Sly to throw a humanitarian plug in there about Myanmar err, I mean Burma. 2 stars
Untraceable – I find Colin Hanks MUCH more annoying than his father, but boiling his character alive in a vat of acid was overkill. Sure, make Hanks play the reluctant bottom in a touching gay S&M movie or put him in a faux concentration camp and slap him around a little but don't boil him in acid, that's just gross. 0 stars
The Air I Breathe – What the fuck was this movie about? 40 minutes into it and I'm nodding off while Forest Whitaker sobs and begs a bookie not to kill him. Should I be dozing during this pivotal scene? 0 stars
Definitely, Maybe – Ryan Reynolds is cute, we've already established this. So is Abigail Breslin. But two hours of that much artificial sweetener can be fatal. I loved Reynolds in the edgy "The Nines", so much I own the DVD. Reynolds, ease up on the Splenda, 'kay? 0 stars
Jumper - Hayden Christensen and Jamie Bell flap around the screen via queasy special effects while Samuel L. Jackson plays a Bad MoFo. These special effects films are kind of like Ketamine, two hours of really bright lights followed by amnesia. 0 stars
Charlie Bartlett – Robert Downey Jr. is like wine, he keeps getting better. Anton Yelchin just gets cuter which makes me really angry that "Huff" is no more. But I wonder about a film that paints prescription drug abuse in this country in a playful light. My high school was a nightmare but I survived it sans Prozac and Vicodan. 3 stars
The Other Boylen Girl – Life in 16th century England was tough, even if you looked like Scarlett Johannson and creepy old Woody Allen wasn't stalking you. Fuck the king really well and you get screwed. Fuck the king and don't enjoy it and you still get screwed. What's a corset-wearing girl to do? Best scene hands down: when one of the Boylen girls tries to seduce her own brother and he breaks down in a fit of (possibly fey?) tears. 2 stars
10,000 B.C. – I like the Emmerich brothers and I'm a female film geek. I'd rather see a special-effects-action blockbuster by them any day of the week over the vile Michael Bay. But they should stop trying to give history lessons. It's like watching two German hippie backpackers re-tell the American Revolution after too many beers in a youth hostel in Australia (I actually witnessed something like this once). Repeat after me and my Archeology professor: The ancient pyramids of Egypt were NOT made by slaves Hebrew or otherwise. 2 stars
Paranoid Park – here's a Gus Van Sant film that shows the American teen in his natural element: confused, slightly drunk/stoned and apprehensive about being raped by his manipulative girlfriend. And Johnny Law is breathin' down everybody's neck because of some lame-ass dead security guard. All this when all kids really wanna do is skate, man! 3 stars
Snow Angels – I like David Gordon Green and I loved "George Washington" and "All the Real Girls". "George Washington" had some of the best cinematography I've ever seen. But take Green out of the south and put him in Nova Scotia and he goes blind cinematically. This film is a dreary mess that plunks along way too long. 0 stars
Doomsday – the world has gone to apocalyptic hell thanks to yet another runaway virus. But never fear, Neil Marshall (the UK's answer to Wes Craven) is here to straighten things out via car chases and rock-concert-serenaded disembowelments. Marshall's fun. He did "Dog Soldiers" and "The Descent" where (GASP) female characters get equal time slashing at monsters and being duplicitous. Thank Gawd the split tails don't just lay there and scream for 120 minutes. The Making Of is especially funny to watch as soft-spoken Equity members -- decked out in more faux body piercings than a Marilyn Manson concert – talk about their previous experience working in 'Thee-ah-tar' in the West End. 3 stars
Funny Games – A decent remake of a Euro suspense flick. The always watchable Michael Pitt and "Mysterious Skin" alum Brady Corbet are the nightmare visitors to yuppie couple Naomi Watts and Tim Roth's swank vacation home. The film is productively suspenseful and edgy as the two fledgling psychopaths worm their way into the family and slowly torture them to death. You'll never look at teenage golfers in polo shirts the same way again! 4 stars
21 – Kevin Spacey leads a cast of unknown pretty faces into the oh-so-seedy world of Vegas card counting. It's got sex! It's got money! It's got Spacey! It's dull! 0 stars
Run Fat Boy Run – Watch David Schwimmer chase the elusive vehicle Comedy down the street. Thrill as his fingers graze the bumper a few times before the car speeds off leaving Simon Pegg looking worriedly at Hank Azaria's groin. Listen to Thandie Newton on the Making Of whine about how the only reason she got this job was because she's half black. This from a bulimic, well-paid star who's been described as one of the most beautiful women in the world. Her face has launched a lot of expensive cosmetics and she can actually afford to live in North London. 2 stars
Stop-Loss – Ryan Phillippe is a working-class, buff Texan who wants to be done with his tour in Iraq and back to his 'normal' life of shooting rattlesnakes and drinking Lone Stars. But the Bush Regime is having none of that. The film's watchable, especially Joseph Gordon-Levitt who gets lost behind the celebrity glare of Phillipe's pearly whites and ripped abs. Coming from Kimberly Peirce who made "Boys Don't Cry", the film is strangely neutered. The romantic connections in the story are barely there and Peirce tip toes around issues like spousal abuse and what modern-day war really does to young men's minds. 2 stars
Street Kings – Keanu Reeves is a bad mofo. He's a LAPD cop who "takes out the garbage" for his superiors and then, weirdly, starts to question the morality of this after being assigned a desk job listening to people complain about his coworkers, those corrupt pigs. Oh yeah and Dr. House is in it! But I can't figure out why. 1 star
Chaos Theory – I rented this in the vain hope I'd see some more of Ryan Reynolds washboard abs or maybe a little ass cheek. Alas, this did not happen. You know how it is when you visit friends in your hometown (Vancouver, B.C.) and they BEG you to be in their movie? Well you can't just say 'no', that would be rude. Next time, Ryan, say 'no.' 0 stars
88 Minutes – My STINKER OF THE YEAR AWARD goes to this. Wow, this is a bad movie. Like on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being "Pearl Harbor", this is a 9.5! Yet another Vancouver-pretending-to-be-Seattle setting for Al I'm-68-fucking-years-old Pacino. Pacino plays a 68-fucking-years-old forensic psychiatrist who helps out the cops when he's not banging 20-something bi-sexual co-eds. If a less imaginative writer from the Playboy Channel was crossed with the Wachowski Brothers, you'd get this. And yes the killer was a bi-sexual girl who couldn't stand being out fucked by 68-fucking-years-old Pacino. And you just know those jealous model-pretty faux lesbians who really want to get reamed by grandpa are all over Vancouver. 0 stars
The Forbidden Kingdom – This is a delicious fluffy pork dumpling of a film. Jackie Chan is sweet and funny and Michael Angarano is wonderful as the geeky weakling who obsesses over Kung Fu films. Jet Li is best when he's playing the monkey god, not a mere mortal. The settings are all breath-taking and the story line is so earnest and heartfelt it would be cruel to pick on it. Hell, rent it for the kids. It's good clean fun. 3 stars
Forgetting Sarah Marshall – The whole time I was watching this, I wondered if it was really about Jason Segel's relationship with his former "Freaks and Geeks" co-star, Linda Cardellini? I guess we'll never know. This is like if Judd Apatow's cast ran off with his film equipment for a weekend, smoked some pot, drank blue Hawaiias and made a home movie about the painful trials of boning B-list Hollywood actresses. Russell Brand is the best thing about this film even though he spends half of it with his bum in the air doing ridiculous yoga moves. His character describing a creepy sexual scenario with that awful yob band Oasis is worthy of some laughing out loud. Segel has always been more endearing to me than out-right funny. His sharpest scenes are when we see how Singletons are treated in public places (he gets the crappiest table in the restaurant) and why banging strangers just isn't the same as sex with our Significant Other. I just wish there'd been more of the Dracula with puppets. Now that was original. 3 stars
Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? – Morgan Spurlock goes to the Middle East and annoys people from Dubai to Tel Aviv. In Tel Aviv he pisses off some cranky orthodox Jews. He even dips his toe into the sands of Iraq and beats us to death with the realization that maybe the deeply tanned people of that part of the world have a reason to be mad as hell at us. 1 star
Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay – This film does more to promote the cause of the deeply tanned people of the Middle East than the 'documentary' above. Once again John Cho and Kal Penn lead us through a maze of frat-boy fart and sex jokes. Our Duo gets in trouble for lighting a bong on a commercial airline (never saw that one coming, dude) and Rob Corddry's dead-on Homeland Insecurity agent goes medieval on their asses. But the ending – where the boys get smoked out by a stoner Pres. Bush – was disappointing. The faux Bush never gives an explanation for why he set up Guantanamo in the first place, only that he's really just like us and just wants to party like all the other frat boys. In a pig's eye! 3 stars
Iron Man – Robert Downey Jr. again at his un-flappable best as the comic book hero who, unlike the Harold and Kumar faux Pres. Bush, actually re-thinks his moral choices and grows a little. Plus he has this really cool suit that he flies around in. 3 stars
Red Belt – This David Mamet film got buried and forgotten in the avalanche of mainstream movies released in 2008 and that is just WRONG. It's good and thoroughly watchable. It's got action and a brain, the way real movies should. Tim Allen is the sleazy Hollywood star who forgets his friends quicker than you can say CAA. Chiwetel Ejiofor is the absurdly noble martial arts instructor who refuses to bow to the commercialization of MMA even when his master instructor does. Emily Mortimer is the broken, screwed-up business woman who sets the whole plot off in an accidental shooting. Because of Mamet's dense, quick dialogue, you shouldn't watch this once. You should watch it twice and remind yourself that martial arts films can be good, grasshopper. 4 stars
The Fall – Tarsem Singh produces a lovely, eye-popping story that takes place in the mind of a little Italian immigrant girl in 1920's Hollywood. Lee Pace does a damn fine job as the broken stunt man who's been paralyzed while working on a Buster Keaton-ish film. Everything about this movie is as awe-inspiring is a gothic cathedral full of stained-glass windows. You're so overwhelmed by the Jungian images you can forgive any tiny plot holes. 5 stars
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian – It takes Disney to sanitize and suck the life out of C.S. Lewis's classic series. Yeah there's centaurs and chatty mice but James McAvoy's weirdly sexy faun is gone and Tilda Swinton makes only a tiny appearance as the White Witch. There's something so grating about Georgie Henley as the littlest of the Pevensies that I wanted to engage in child abuse. I think a weekend with Mommy Dearest would do wonders for her line delivery. And somewhere underneath a Sammy Hagar wig is Peter Dinklage, once again tragically under used. 1 star
You Don't Mess with the Zohan – Adam Sandler is delightful as a former Masad agent who wants to "style and cut hair" and "make the whole world silky smooth." John Tuttoro is fab as his nemesis. Rob Schneider is funny as a cab driver who recognizes the Zohan. Lanie Kazan is comical as one of Zohan's many cougar lovers. Seeing all the Arab and Israeli immigrants crammed into the same dumpy neighborhood in New York makes everybody realize it's a very small world and we all have to try and get along. 4 stars
The Happening – Where does Shyamalan get his pot?! I so want to get hooked up with his ganja dealer. Only a pothead filmmaker could come up with the kooky idea that plants (yes, as in HOUSEPLANTS) are trying to bump off humanity and take over the planet. Be careful what you say around your ficus, it can hear you. 1 star
The Incredible Hulk – Edward Norton is mean, green and determined to make a film with a valid story and moral message. And if he has to kick some studio ass in the process, bring it on! The early shots in this film where we fly over the eternal slums of Rio are amazing and end way too soon. William Hurt sleep walks through another role as the bad guy and father of Liv Tyler's character. Tyler's Betty is so passively written I honestly think they could have used a blowup doll. Once again the female character just lays there while things happen to her and she occasionally screams when tanks blow up. 3 stars
Stuck – Mena Suvari and Steven Rea, the grande dame of 1992's art house flick "The Crying Game", play a deliciously perverse game of cat-n-mouse when Suvari's idiot character mows down Rea's. Then Suvari's character drives home with the down-on-his-luck Rea stuck in her windshield. But Robo Hobo just will NOT die and Suvari's moronic nurse has to come up with a way to dispose of the un-dead bum. Another film that should get a lot more play time in DVD. 4 stars
Hellboy II: The Golden Army – Mexican filmmaker, Guillermo del Toro, takes the audience on a weird wild ride with set designs so complex he probably will have to do one of those expanded Making Ofs with a DVD devoted just to the stunning, mescaline-inspired visuals. But truthfully it's Ron Pearlman's damn hard work that makes this franchise watchable. He's like the Sean Connery of the comic book hero genre. Every punch and smack down of the bad guys is done with a wink and nod to the audience ala Connery's James Bond. Good fun. 4 stars
The Dark Knight – Christopher Nolan makes a very dark Batman come to life in this latest installment of the vigilante myth. All the acting is top notch but poor Heath Ledger so completely embodies the Joker he's mesmerizing to watch. There isn't a hint of the slacker Aussie surfer dude underneath the Joker's manic cake makeup. Ledger did what most actors can only aspire to – he totally submerged his own personality under the character's. 5 stars
Transsiberian – Just when you thought it was safe to go be a tourist in Russia, think again. Emily Mortimer shines as the indecisive American tourist who accidentally does something Very Bad to a Very Deserving Bad Guy setting off a whole lot of Very Bad Russians. Ben Kingsley is fine as his usual bad guy with an ambiguous foreign accent (not new territory for him). I just wish he'd been as overwhelmingly scary as Don in "Sexy Beast", where his performance literally gave me nightmares. Woody Harrelson is too old for his part and so amateurish if his character had just fallen off the train halfway through, nobody would have missed him. 3 stars
Felon – Stephen Dorff of "Blade" and "I Shot Andy Warhol" fame takes on the American penal system as a working-class guy who kills a burglar in a home invasion and gets sent to the Big House. This movie is such a knock off of "Oz" I kept expecting to see Adebisi come swaggering around the corner. Val Kilmer is barely recognizable as a long-time felon who has been walking the political tightrope between the rival prison gangs and the corrections officers for years. Filmmaker Ric Waugh takes an honest stab at a horribly wrong system that instead of rehabilitating turns out parolees more violent than when they went in. 3 stars
Boy A – A UK film adaptation of a novel by Jonathan Trigell tells the story of a young man who has been in a psychiatric prison since his early teens. He gets out and assumes a new identity (sort of like a witness protection program) under the guidance of the always good Peter Mullan playing his case worker. Jack seems like an incredibly likeable, puppy dog-eyed young man but he's haunted by a horrific past. Director John Crowley does seem to paint a sympathetic picture of a former child murderer who actually has a conscience unlike some psychopaths who seem to operate without any remorse. The ending is nice and ambiguous and leaves you wondering what the hell really happened. 5 stars
The X-Files: I Want to Believe – Oh Chris, Chris, Chris! Why did you do this? Was it simply to get back at FOX Studios after the eternal lawsuit? Suffice it to say this simply could have been a two-hour special on the SciFi channel and everybody would have been happy. The first movie was a lot better, possibly because we were all still in love with Mulder and Scully. 1 star
Pineapple Express – Another Apatow-produced gem this time, weirdly, directed by David Gordon Green (yes, he of the moody American South indy films). Seth Rogen and James Franco are in tip-top form and Danny McBride is wildly funny as the verbally rambling dealer in the Dufus Trio. Rogen discovers a dirty cop, a big-time pot dealer and a pissed-off Asian drug gang and then spends most of the movie running from them … even when they're not chasing him. Franco does so many prat falls for laughs I was worried about him. Get buzzed and watch this gem which is better than anything Cheech and Chong every came up with. 4 stars
Tropic Thunder – Eegads, what a mess. Ben Stiller and company try their damndest to turn a lot of entertainment industry- inside jokes into a full two-hour laughfest. The trouble is when Jack Black is playing a whiney drug addict? He's just whiney. And Robert Downey Jr.'s so good at what he does, he is the dude playing the dude. Steve Coogan gets killed off too early to help deliver any real laughs and Danny McBride (of "Pineapple Express") isn't given nearly enough time on camera. Instead there's just these weird drawn out scenes with Stiller goofing on "Apocalypse Now" and "Platoon". Matthew McConaughey's 10-percenter really is funnier than Tom Cruise's freaky producer. 1 star
Let the Right One In – Wow, who knew Sweden could churn out such a tight, provocative film. I don't know if it's re-inventing the vampire genre but it sure pumps some warm blood back into a very tired theme of Making Friends with the Undead. The two child actors are amazingly unaffected in their performances and the setting feels real right down to the dreary, thin-walled council estates the characters live in. 5 stars
Son of Rambow - (this was just released on DVD, came out in the UK last year) is sweet and funny and incredibly inventive. The three child actors are delightful to watch. It's a trippy look inside a 12-yr-old's diary complete with imaginary exploding things. And we get to see how quickly indy film making can lead to The Battle of the Egos ... even in kids. 4 stars
0 stars: utter shite, mate!
1 star: rent if really bored
2 stars: meh, it's watchable
3 stars: definitely watchable
4 stars: should get mentioned at the Oscars
5 stars: It's golden
Anyway, I went crazy a few days back and did a review of every flick that was released in the U.S. in 2008 that I've actually seen -- this is leaving out a bunch of Holiday Blockbusters like 'Milk' and 'Day the Earth Stood Still'.
Judging from the size of the list, I really should get out more.
My review of 2008 Films:
Cloverfield – what was J.J. Abrams thinking when he backed this silly digital hand-held mess? The best line was when Blonde Unknown Actor No. 2 shrieked "I'm gonna crap my pants!" Now that's comedy. 1 star
Teeth – FINALLY a coming-of-age-getting-laid film where for the first time a girl is not punished for her budding sexuality, her boyfriends are. Okay, the perpetual lopping off of penises is a bit over kill and, of course, it's all a latent gay man revenge fantasy but it's fun. At least they poke a stick at the Jesus freaks and the absurdness of chastity. 3 stars
Rambo – Surprisingly tasteful action-adventure from the man who practically invented the genre and who is really too old to be running through any jungle. The entire crew should have gotten an award for shooting on location in Thailand in 110-degree heat with 95% humidity. It was nice of Sly to throw a humanitarian plug in there about Myanmar err, I mean Burma. 2 stars
Untraceable – I find Colin Hanks MUCH more annoying than his father, but boiling his character alive in a vat of acid was overkill. Sure, make Hanks play the reluctant bottom in a touching gay S&M movie or put him in a faux concentration camp and slap him around a little but don't boil him in acid, that's just gross. 0 stars
The Air I Breathe – What the fuck was this movie about? 40 minutes into it and I'm nodding off while Forest Whitaker sobs and begs a bookie not to kill him. Should I be dozing during this pivotal scene? 0 stars
Definitely, Maybe – Ryan Reynolds is cute, we've already established this. So is Abigail Breslin. But two hours of that much artificial sweetener can be fatal. I loved Reynolds in the edgy "The Nines", so much I own the DVD. Reynolds, ease up on the Splenda, 'kay? 0 stars
Jumper - Hayden Christensen and Jamie Bell flap around the screen via queasy special effects while Samuel L. Jackson plays a Bad MoFo. These special effects films are kind of like Ketamine, two hours of really bright lights followed by amnesia. 0 stars
Charlie Bartlett – Robert Downey Jr. is like wine, he keeps getting better. Anton Yelchin just gets cuter which makes me really angry that "Huff" is no more. But I wonder about a film that paints prescription drug abuse in this country in a playful light. My high school was a nightmare but I survived it sans Prozac and Vicodan. 3 stars
The Other Boylen Girl – Life in 16th century England was tough, even if you looked like Scarlett Johannson and creepy old Woody Allen wasn't stalking you. Fuck the king really well and you get screwed. Fuck the king and don't enjoy it and you still get screwed. What's a corset-wearing girl to do? Best scene hands down: when one of the Boylen girls tries to seduce her own brother and he breaks down in a fit of (possibly fey?) tears. 2 stars
10,000 B.C. – I like the Emmerich brothers and I'm a female film geek. I'd rather see a special-effects-action blockbuster by them any day of the week over the vile Michael Bay. But they should stop trying to give history lessons. It's like watching two German hippie backpackers re-tell the American Revolution after too many beers in a youth hostel in Australia (I actually witnessed something like this once). Repeat after me and my Archeology professor: The ancient pyramids of Egypt were NOT made by slaves Hebrew or otherwise. 2 stars
Paranoid Park – here's a Gus Van Sant film that shows the American teen in his natural element: confused, slightly drunk/stoned and apprehensive about being raped by his manipulative girlfriend. And Johnny Law is breathin' down everybody's neck because of some lame-ass dead security guard. All this when all kids really wanna do is skate, man! 3 stars
Snow Angels – I like David Gordon Green and I loved "George Washington" and "All the Real Girls". "George Washington" had some of the best cinematography I've ever seen. But take Green out of the south and put him in Nova Scotia and he goes blind cinematically. This film is a dreary mess that plunks along way too long. 0 stars
Doomsday – the world has gone to apocalyptic hell thanks to yet another runaway virus. But never fear, Neil Marshall (the UK's answer to Wes Craven) is here to straighten things out via car chases and rock-concert-serenaded disembowelments. Marshall's fun. He did "Dog Soldiers" and "The Descent" where (GASP) female characters get equal time slashing at monsters and being duplicitous. Thank Gawd the split tails don't just lay there and scream for 120 minutes. The Making Of is especially funny to watch as soft-spoken Equity members -- decked out in more faux body piercings than a Marilyn Manson concert – talk about their previous experience working in 'Thee-ah-tar' in the West End. 3 stars
Funny Games – A decent remake of a Euro suspense flick. The always watchable Michael Pitt and "Mysterious Skin" alum Brady Corbet are the nightmare visitors to yuppie couple Naomi Watts and Tim Roth's swank vacation home. The film is productively suspenseful and edgy as the two fledgling psychopaths worm their way into the family and slowly torture them to death. You'll never look at teenage golfers in polo shirts the same way again! 4 stars
21 – Kevin Spacey leads a cast of unknown pretty faces into the oh-so-seedy world of Vegas card counting. It's got sex! It's got money! It's got Spacey! It's dull! 0 stars
Run Fat Boy Run – Watch David Schwimmer chase the elusive vehicle Comedy down the street. Thrill as his fingers graze the bumper a few times before the car speeds off leaving Simon Pegg looking worriedly at Hank Azaria's groin. Listen to Thandie Newton on the Making Of whine about how the only reason she got this job was because she's half black. This from a bulimic, well-paid star who's been described as one of the most beautiful women in the world. Her face has launched a lot of expensive cosmetics and she can actually afford to live in North London. 2 stars
Stop-Loss – Ryan Phillippe is a working-class, buff Texan who wants to be done with his tour in Iraq and back to his 'normal' life of shooting rattlesnakes and drinking Lone Stars. But the Bush Regime is having none of that. The film's watchable, especially Joseph Gordon-Levitt who gets lost behind the celebrity glare of Phillipe's pearly whites and ripped abs. Coming from Kimberly Peirce who made "Boys Don't Cry", the film is strangely neutered. The romantic connections in the story are barely there and Peirce tip toes around issues like spousal abuse and what modern-day war really does to young men's minds. 2 stars
Street Kings – Keanu Reeves is a bad mofo. He's a LAPD cop who "takes out the garbage" for his superiors and then, weirdly, starts to question the morality of this after being assigned a desk job listening to people complain about his coworkers, those corrupt pigs. Oh yeah and Dr. House is in it! But I can't figure out why. 1 star
Chaos Theory – I rented this in the vain hope I'd see some more of Ryan Reynolds washboard abs or maybe a little ass cheek. Alas, this did not happen. You know how it is when you visit friends in your hometown (Vancouver, B.C.) and they BEG you to be in their movie? Well you can't just say 'no', that would be rude. Next time, Ryan, say 'no.' 0 stars
88 Minutes – My STINKER OF THE YEAR AWARD goes to this. Wow, this is a bad movie. Like on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being "Pearl Harbor", this is a 9.5! Yet another Vancouver-pretending-to-be-Seattle setting for Al I'm-68-fucking-years-old Pacino. Pacino plays a 68-fucking-years-old forensic psychiatrist who helps out the cops when he's not banging 20-something bi-sexual co-eds. If a less imaginative writer from the Playboy Channel was crossed with the Wachowski Brothers, you'd get this. And yes the killer was a bi-sexual girl who couldn't stand being out fucked by 68-fucking-years-old Pacino. And you just know those jealous model-pretty faux lesbians who really want to get reamed by grandpa are all over Vancouver. 0 stars
The Forbidden Kingdom – This is a delicious fluffy pork dumpling of a film. Jackie Chan is sweet and funny and Michael Angarano is wonderful as the geeky weakling who obsesses over Kung Fu films. Jet Li is best when he's playing the monkey god, not a mere mortal. The settings are all breath-taking and the story line is so earnest and heartfelt it would be cruel to pick on it. Hell, rent it for the kids. It's good clean fun. 3 stars
Forgetting Sarah Marshall – The whole time I was watching this, I wondered if it was really about Jason Segel's relationship with his former "Freaks and Geeks" co-star, Linda Cardellini? I guess we'll never know. This is like if Judd Apatow's cast ran off with his film equipment for a weekend, smoked some pot, drank blue Hawaiias and made a home movie about the painful trials of boning B-list Hollywood actresses. Russell Brand is the best thing about this film even though he spends half of it with his bum in the air doing ridiculous yoga moves. His character describing a creepy sexual scenario with that awful yob band Oasis is worthy of some laughing out loud. Segel has always been more endearing to me than out-right funny. His sharpest scenes are when we see how Singletons are treated in public places (he gets the crappiest table in the restaurant) and why banging strangers just isn't the same as sex with our Significant Other. I just wish there'd been more of the Dracula with puppets. Now that was original. 3 stars
Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? – Morgan Spurlock goes to the Middle East and annoys people from Dubai to Tel Aviv. In Tel Aviv he pisses off some cranky orthodox Jews. He even dips his toe into the sands of Iraq and beats us to death with the realization that maybe the deeply tanned people of that part of the world have a reason to be mad as hell at us. 1 star
Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay – This film does more to promote the cause of the deeply tanned people of the Middle East than the 'documentary' above. Once again John Cho and Kal Penn lead us through a maze of frat-boy fart and sex jokes. Our Duo gets in trouble for lighting a bong on a commercial airline (never saw that one coming, dude) and Rob Corddry's dead-on Homeland Insecurity agent goes medieval on their asses. But the ending – where the boys get smoked out by a stoner Pres. Bush – was disappointing. The faux Bush never gives an explanation for why he set up Guantanamo in the first place, only that he's really just like us and just wants to party like all the other frat boys. In a pig's eye! 3 stars
Iron Man – Robert Downey Jr. again at his un-flappable best as the comic book hero who, unlike the Harold and Kumar faux Pres. Bush, actually re-thinks his moral choices and grows a little. Plus he has this really cool suit that he flies around in. 3 stars
Red Belt – This David Mamet film got buried and forgotten in the avalanche of mainstream movies released in 2008 and that is just WRONG. It's good and thoroughly watchable. It's got action and a brain, the way real movies should. Tim Allen is the sleazy Hollywood star who forgets his friends quicker than you can say CAA. Chiwetel Ejiofor is the absurdly noble martial arts instructor who refuses to bow to the commercialization of MMA even when his master instructor does. Emily Mortimer is the broken, screwed-up business woman who sets the whole plot off in an accidental shooting. Because of Mamet's dense, quick dialogue, you shouldn't watch this once. You should watch it twice and remind yourself that martial arts films can be good, grasshopper. 4 stars
The Fall – Tarsem Singh produces a lovely, eye-popping story that takes place in the mind of a little Italian immigrant girl in 1920's Hollywood. Lee Pace does a damn fine job as the broken stunt man who's been paralyzed while working on a Buster Keaton-ish film. Everything about this movie is as awe-inspiring is a gothic cathedral full of stained-glass windows. You're so overwhelmed by the Jungian images you can forgive any tiny plot holes. 5 stars
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian – It takes Disney to sanitize and suck the life out of C.S. Lewis's classic series. Yeah there's centaurs and chatty mice but James McAvoy's weirdly sexy faun is gone and Tilda Swinton makes only a tiny appearance as the White Witch. There's something so grating about Georgie Henley as the littlest of the Pevensies that I wanted to engage in child abuse. I think a weekend with Mommy Dearest would do wonders for her line delivery. And somewhere underneath a Sammy Hagar wig is Peter Dinklage, once again tragically under used. 1 star
You Don't Mess with the Zohan – Adam Sandler is delightful as a former Masad agent who wants to "style and cut hair" and "make the whole world silky smooth." John Tuttoro is fab as his nemesis. Rob Schneider is funny as a cab driver who recognizes the Zohan. Lanie Kazan is comical as one of Zohan's many cougar lovers. Seeing all the Arab and Israeli immigrants crammed into the same dumpy neighborhood in New York makes everybody realize it's a very small world and we all have to try and get along. 4 stars
The Happening – Where does Shyamalan get his pot?! I so want to get hooked up with his ganja dealer. Only a pothead filmmaker could come up with the kooky idea that plants (yes, as in HOUSEPLANTS) are trying to bump off humanity and take over the planet. Be careful what you say around your ficus, it can hear you. 1 star
The Incredible Hulk – Edward Norton is mean, green and determined to make a film with a valid story and moral message. And if he has to kick some studio ass in the process, bring it on! The early shots in this film where we fly over the eternal slums of Rio are amazing and end way too soon. William Hurt sleep walks through another role as the bad guy and father of Liv Tyler's character. Tyler's Betty is so passively written I honestly think they could have used a blowup doll. Once again the female character just lays there while things happen to her and she occasionally screams when tanks blow up. 3 stars
Stuck – Mena Suvari and Steven Rea, the grande dame of 1992's art house flick "The Crying Game", play a deliciously perverse game of cat-n-mouse when Suvari's idiot character mows down Rea's. Then Suvari's character drives home with the down-on-his-luck Rea stuck in her windshield. But Robo Hobo just will NOT die and Suvari's moronic nurse has to come up with a way to dispose of the un-dead bum. Another film that should get a lot more play time in DVD. 4 stars
Hellboy II: The Golden Army – Mexican filmmaker, Guillermo del Toro, takes the audience on a weird wild ride with set designs so complex he probably will have to do one of those expanded Making Ofs with a DVD devoted just to the stunning, mescaline-inspired visuals. But truthfully it's Ron Pearlman's damn hard work that makes this franchise watchable. He's like the Sean Connery of the comic book hero genre. Every punch and smack down of the bad guys is done with a wink and nod to the audience ala Connery's James Bond. Good fun. 4 stars
The Dark Knight – Christopher Nolan makes a very dark Batman come to life in this latest installment of the vigilante myth. All the acting is top notch but poor Heath Ledger so completely embodies the Joker he's mesmerizing to watch. There isn't a hint of the slacker Aussie surfer dude underneath the Joker's manic cake makeup. Ledger did what most actors can only aspire to – he totally submerged his own personality under the character's. 5 stars
Transsiberian – Just when you thought it was safe to go be a tourist in Russia, think again. Emily Mortimer shines as the indecisive American tourist who accidentally does something Very Bad to a Very Deserving Bad Guy setting off a whole lot of Very Bad Russians. Ben Kingsley is fine as his usual bad guy with an ambiguous foreign accent (not new territory for him). I just wish he'd been as overwhelmingly scary as Don in "Sexy Beast", where his performance literally gave me nightmares. Woody Harrelson is too old for his part and so amateurish if his character had just fallen off the train halfway through, nobody would have missed him. 3 stars
Felon – Stephen Dorff of "Blade" and "I Shot Andy Warhol" fame takes on the American penal system as a working-class guy who kills a burglar in a home invasion and gets sent to the Big House. This movie is such a knock off of "Oz" I kept expecting to see Adebisi come swaggering around the corner. Val Kilmer is barely recognizable as a long-time felon who has been walking the political tightrope between the rival prison gangs and the corrections officers for years. Filmmaker Ric Waugh takes an honest stab at a horribly wrong system that instead of rehabilitating turns out parolees more violent than when they went in. 3 stars
Boy A – A UK film adaptation of a novel by Jonathan Trigell tells the story of a young man who has been in a psychiatric prison since his early teens. He gets out and assumes a new identity (sort of like a witness protection program) under the guidance of the always good Peter Mullan playing his case worker. Jack seems like an incredibly likeable, puppy dog-eyed young man but he's haunted by a horrific past. Director John Crowley does seem to paint a sympathetic picture of a former child murderer who actually has a conscience unlike some psychopaths who seem to operate without any remorse. The ending is nice and ambiguous and leaves you wondering what the hell really happened. 5 stars
The X-Files: I Want to Believe – Oh Chris, Chris, Chris! Why did you do this? Was it simply to get back at FOX Studios after the eternal lawsuit? Suffice it to say this simply could have been a two-hour special on the SciFi channel and everybody would have been happy. The first movie was a lot better, possibly because we were all still in love with Mulder and Scully. 1 star
Pineapple Express – Another Apatow-produced gem this time, weirdly, directed by David Gordon Green (yes, he of the moody American South indy films). Seth Rogen and James Franco are in tip-top form and Danny McBride is wildly funny as the verbally rambling dealer in the Dufus Trio. Rogen discovers a dirty cop, a big-time pot dealer and a pissed-off Asian drug gang and then spends most of the movie running from them … even when they're not chasing him. Franco does so many prat falls for laughs I was worried about him. Get buzzed and watch this gem which is better than anything Cheech and Chong every came up with. 4 stars
Tropic Thunder – Eegads, what a mess. Ben Stiller and company try their damndest to turn a lot of entertainment industry- inside jokes into a full two-hour laughfest. The trouble is when Jack Black is playing a whiney drug addict? He's just whiney. And Robert Downey Jr.'s so good at what he does, he is the dude playing the dude. Steve Coogan gets killed off too early to help deliver any real laughs and Danny McBride (of "Pineapple Express") isn't given nearly enough time on camera. Instead there's just these weird drawn out scenes with Stiller goofing on "Apocalypse Now" and "Platoon". Matthew McConaughey's 10-percenter really is funnier than Tom Cruise's freaky producer. 1 star
Let the Right One In – Wow, who knew Sweden could churn out such a tight, provocative film. I don't know if it's re-inventing the vampire genre but it sure pumps some warm blood back into a very tired theme of Making Friends with the Undead. The two child actors are amazingly unaffected in their performances and the setting feels real right down to the dreary, thin-walled council estates the characters live in. 5 stars
Son of Rambow - (this was just released on DVD, came out in the UK last year) is sweet and funny and incredibly inventive. The three child actors are delightful to watch. It's a trippy look inside a 12-yr-old's diary complete with imaginary exploding things. And we get to see how quickly indy film making can lead to The Battle of the Egos ... even in kids. 4 stars
0 stars: utter shite, mate!
1 star: rent if really bored
2 stars: meh, it's watchable
3 stars: definitely watchable
4 stars: should get mentioned at the Oscars
5 stars: It's golden
Monday, December 08, 2008
Author, author!
I've joined Harper-Collin's Authonomy site. Anything to avoid actually writing.
Besides, I'm always looking for new ways to get plagiarized ... er, at least someone would be doing something with one of my stories.
In other news supposedly somebody who is the assistant of somebody famous up in Toronto is reading my short-film spec script, "CHIENNE" which is a contemporary suspense/drama set in rural Canada. And I don't speak a single word of French.
Yes, I like to bite off more than I can chew.
I feel tingly all over.
Besides, I'm always looking for new ways to get plagiarized ... er, at least someone would be doing something with one of my stories.
In other news supposedly somebody who is the assistant of somebody famous up in Toronto is reading my short-film spec script, "CHIENNE" which is a contemporary suspense/drama set in rural Canada. And I don't speak a single word of French.
Yes, I like to bite off more than I can chew.
I feel tingly all over.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Touched by Oprah
Is there no mortal anywhere who can stand against the undiluted power of Oprah? This is the end days, folks, because even Denis (fucking) Leary is like a deer in the headlights of that woman.
Forget Jesus Christ. Oprah's bigger than Elvis and the Beatles combined.
Monday, November 17, 2008
DIY
I went nuts a week ago and sort of self-published myself, I guess. It's just a tiny anthology of three of my best short stories to date. It's called Trailer Trash Confessional and I'm mailing copies of it out to a few friends. I went to Elliott Bay Book Co. on Friday and left a copy with them (I actually wanted to leave more but they wouldn't let me). They do allow self-published 'zines and poetry chapbooks on their shelves. I'm guessing if I go back later this week, they'll let me leave more. I'm expecting zero return on my investment so I'm hoping they'll set these out marked FREE or nobody will read them.
I went by Hugo House too and unloaded a half dozen on them. Don't know if anybody will read them before they disappear into their 'zine archive ... which I'm pretty sure nobody reads.
I hope they aren't too depressing.
The first short story is typical coming-of-age, sorta Tobias Wolff meets Mark Twain meets ... Pink Floyd. (Not that my writing even approaches that level!) The third short story is hopefully the most humorous. It's written in a very sarcastic, kind of Christina Ricci in The Opposite of Sex narrative voice.
But the middle short story may rattle some cages. It's a work of fiction but I'm wondering if people will read more into it than they should? I can't emphasize enough that it is fiction, NOT autobiographical but it is very loosely based on a teenage girl I knew years ago who did go through a similar horrific experience.
To the best of my knowledge, she is now married (to a man), doing well and living some where in a suburb of Las Vegas.
I would have liked to have included some sci-fi/fantasy short stories but none of them are complete. I've had the first 50 pages of Dark Engines kicking around my harddrive forever and also the first 112 pages of Life Among the Dead but none of my sci-fi stories come in under 100 pages. I'm incapable of writing sci-fi without a cast of thousands and about fifteen different plot threads. It's enough to give Frank Herbert a headache.
I went by Hugo House too and unloaded a half dozen on them. Don't know if anybody will read them before they disappear into their 'zine archive ... which I'm pretty sure nobody reads.
I hope they aren't too depressing.
The first short story is typical coming-of-age, sorta Tobias Wolff meets Mark Twain meets ... Pink Floyd. (Not that my writing even approaches that level!) The third short story is hopefully the most humorous. It's written in a very sarcastic, kind of Christina Ricci in The Opposite of Sex narrative voice.
But the middle short story may rattle some cages. It's a work of fiction but I'm wondering if people will read more into it than they should? I can't emphasize enough that it is fiction, NOT autobiographical but it is very loosely based on a teenage girl I knew years ago who did go through a similar horrific experience.
To the best of my knowledge, she is now married (to a man), doing well and living some where in a suburb of Las Vegas.
I would have liked to have included some sci-fi/fantasy short stories but none of them are complete. I've had the first 50 pages of Dark Engines kicking around my harddrive forever and also the first 112 pages of Life Among the Dead but none of my sci-fi stories come in under 100 pages. I'm incapable of writing sci-fi without a cast of thousands and about fifteen different plot threads. It's enough to give Frank Herbert a headache.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
The Two Americas
Was over at Alternet.org when I saw these, gripping photos by Brenda Ann Kenneally. She is a member of the National Press Photographers Assoc. and has won several awards for her gritty pictures of New York's working poor.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Note to the 'Mad Men' of advertising: DUH !
Sexxxy ... um, actually no.Obama getting the electoral college by a landslide gives me hope for humanity ... but then I read articles like this and I slide back to my original stance of the glass being half empty (and the waiter that's supposed to refill it is a retard). Here's the skimmed tidbit:
Steamy Magazines Make Men Feel as Bad As Women
Guys who check out the sexy female models in so-called lad magazines such as Maxim have more body-image problems than their pals, a new study finds.
Sorry for sounding like an eighth grader but DUH ! Thanks for catching up special ed. But the researchers (and the accompanying journalists) reported an even more startling discovery.
Does Sex Really Sell? Perhaps Not to Women
... He added that the results also illuminate a gap between the male executives who are marketing the magazines and the consumers.
TRIPLE DUH ! Sorry ad execs, the 'Girls Gone Wild' myth boat has left the dock! Sometimes the feminist backlash crap just makes me wanna beat my head against the monitor.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Lake of Fire ...
... is amazing and easily the best documentary I've seen in a while. Tony Kaye does an astonishing job meticulously interviewing just about every single high-profile person in the 'war' on abortion. It doesn't let anyone off the hook but his layered documentary slowly eases the viewer into some of the deeper and more abstract questions as to WHY some people blow up abortion clinics and murder doctors.
If you buy only one documentary on DVD, buy this one.
If you buy only one documentary on DVD, buy this one.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Mr. and Mrs. ... Moose?
Further proof Jesusfreaks smoke crack, or at least meth. I mean WHAT is up with the visuals in this campy political ad to ban same-sex marriages in California? I thought I was watching the Animal Planet. Did Mr. and Mrs. Moose get their, uh mating, ordained by tha' Lord? And what does the bizarro reptilian face represent? The devil? Temptation? A Mardi Gras queen? Ellen DeGeneres? Or are all reptilian unions also ordained by tha' Lord?
W T F ?
Friday, October 10, 2008
Ahhh, bromance
Why focus on the negative when I can accentuate the positive of celebrity stalking?
Here's a zesty quote from Salon.com:
"I'm in favor of any form of distraction that doesn't result in liver damage, a broken marriage, consumer debt or excessive weight gain, so I heartily enjoy the rush of that exquisitely modern guiltless pleasure known as the (celebrity) Google stalk." -- Lily Burana, May 29, 2007
I'm now in possession of a copy of the latest TV Guide. Yes, that one. No wait, ... not that one. Not that he isn't cute an all. (Fucking McCain, it is YOU who have messed with popular euphemisms, you maniacal, geriatric gimp.) The pinnacle of the article? When Leonard says: "All I remember is there were scented candles and Hugh came out in a robe."
GASP!
To ... die ... for!
Here's a zesty quote from Salon.com:
"I'm in favor of any form of distraction that doesn't result in liver damage, a broken marriage, consumer debt or excessive weight gain, so I heartily enjoy the rush of that exquisitely modern guiltless pleasure known as the (celebrity) Google stalk." -- Lily Burana, May 29, 2007
I'm now in possession of a copy of the latest TV Guide. Yes, that one. No wait, ... not that one. Not that he isn't cute an all. (Fucking McCain, it is YOU who have messed with popular euphemisms, you maniacal, geriatric gimp.) The pinnacle of the article? When Leonard says: "All I remember is there were scented candles and Hugh came out in a robe."
GASP!
To ... die ... for!
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Whoopie Cushion
I had a Very Important Interview today out in Redmond at that software juggernaut that must not be named. It went pretty well but if I don't get this contract, I'm blaming my shoes. I bought a pair of used Keens at REI's discount re-sale dept. in July. I wouldn't have been so casual with my money BUT they retail for like $110 new and I got these for 30 bucks. They're solid black leather inside and out and have the famous, wonderful, angelic Keen soles that are sooo comfy on my highly deformed feet. The reason why the previous owner dumped them back into REI's re-sale bin? They squeak. More accurately, they fart. Yes, my shoes sound like Whoopie Cushions.
So there I was walking down the halls of yet another cavernous corporate building, making small talk with my interviewer and my shoes were going: "Wooopht! Hoooobbbft!" and even the dreaded "FffmphururururtT".
A couple of SQL developers were giggling when I passed their office.
Fuck, I may as well be a club-footed troll living in a shed out in the woods ... oh Gawd, I'm a Disney character!
So there I was walking down the halls of yet another cavernous corporate building, making small talk with my interviewer and my shoes were going: "Wooopht! Hoooobbbft!" and even the dreaded "FffmphururururtT".
A couple of SQL developers were giggling when I passed their office.
Fuck, I may as well be a club-footed troll living in a shed out in the woods ... oh Gawd, I'm a Disney character!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Wow
Barbara Ehrenreich is another author who I think has been sneaking peeks at my diary. I'm reading Bait & Switch: The Futile Pursuit of the American Dream, her follow up to Nickel & Dimed. Bait & Switch is like a play-by-play of what I'm going through right now.
One of Ehrenreich's greatest talents as a journalist and non-fiction author is to cut through the bullshit. As part of her "research" for Bait & Switch, she posed as a marketing and events organizer and went on a dozen "job search workshops" -- nearly all of which she had to cry foul on for their doling out of useless self-help cum pop psychology philosophies.
In response to the all-pervasive myth in this country that It's Really All Our Own Fault and We Attract Bad Shit, she had this to say:
What about the child whose home is hit by a bomb? Did she have some bomb-shaped thoughtform that brought ruin down on her head? And did my (job search) boot-camp mates cause the layoffs that drove them out of their jobs by "vibrating" at a layoff-related frequency? It seems inexcusably cruel to tell people who have reached some kind of personal nadir that their problem is entirely of their own making.
Damn skippy.
One of Ehrenreich's greatest talents as a journalist and non-fiction author is to cut through the bullshit. As part of her "research" for Bait & Switch, she posed as a marketing and events organizer and went on a dozen "job search workshops" -- nearly all of which she had to cry foul on for their doling out of useless self-help cum pop psychology philosophies.
In response to the all-pervasive myth in this country that It's Really All Our Own Fault and We Attract Bad Shit, she had this to say:
What about the child whose home is hit by a bomb? Did she have some bomb-shaped thoughtform that brought ruin down on her head? And did my (job search) boot-camp mates cause the layoffs that drove them out of their jobs by "vibrating" at a layoff-related frequency? It seems inexcusably cruel to tell people who have reached some kind of personal nadir that their problem is entirely of their own making.
Damn skippy.
Friday, September 12, 2008
I am M's throbbing lower back
In case anybody is wondering, I haven't been online hardly at all: I've had my first critical back injury. Yes, pain, numbness, scary sensations, weakness, etc. And all this fun while I'm on UI and have nada insurance.
And to think I made it all the way through wildfire training twice and didn't get this before. And that was with 80 to 100 pounds strapped to my back. And now to be laid low by shouldering a stupid bicycle that was maybe 35 pounds tops.
Crap!
And to think I made it all the way through wildfire training twice and didn't get this before. And that was with 80 to 100 pounds strapped to my back. And now to be laid low by shouldering a stupid bicycle that was maybe 35 pounds tops.
Crap!
Monday, September 08, 2008
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Being Unfaithful
I gritted my teeth yesterday and called a certain headhunter I had ranted about in July. This woman, try as I might to believe otherwise, is an idiot. And a screw-turning, roller skate-wearing bitch.
She made me jump through endless hoops in July to get "fully inputted" with her effing contractor firm. I dutifully jumped through them all, re-wrote the damn resume till the wee hours of the morning, turned in multiple reference lists (they lost one!), etc.
So yesterday, I'm talking to her and I say I've been out on two interviews -- one with that giant software firm in Redmond who's Name We Dare Not Utter -- and she immediately jumps down my throat. "Who did you interview with? Which department exactly was it?"
And then, of course, the ridiculously jealous question: "WHICH other vendor was this through, hmmm???"
I mentioned a large vendor that gets a lot of people work. "Oh them," she hissed into the phone. And then the final blow: "Well, we can't TELL you not to register with other vendors. You don't have to swear undying loyalty to us but ..."
The implication here is, if you register with other vendors while we park our collective asses on your resume and you get work with another vendor, we will feel slighted, hurt, betrayed. So I'm stepping out on this vendor! Stepping out with any ol' other headhunter that happens to drop a sweaty email in my in-box.
In the immortal words of Justin Timberlake, "Cry me a (fucking) river."
She made me jump through endless hoops in July to get "fully inputted" with her effing contractor firm. I dutifully jumped through them all, re-wrote the damn resume till the wee hours of the morning, turned in multiple reference lists (they lost one!), etc.
So yesterday, I'm talking to her and I say I've been out on two interviews -- one with that giant software firm in Redmond who's Name We Dare Not Utter -- and she immediately jumps down my throat. "Who did you interview with? Which department exactly was it?"
And then, of course, the ridiculously jealous question: "WHICH other vendor was this through, hmmm???"
I mentioned a large vendor that gets a lot of people work. "Oh them," she hissed into the phone. And then the final blow: "Well, we can't TELL you not to register with other vendors. You don't have to swear undying loyalty to us but ..."
The implication here is, if you register with other vendors while we park our collective asses on your resume and you get work with another vendor, we will feel slighted, hurt, betrayed. So I'm stepping out on this vendor! Stepping out with any ol' other headhunter that happens to drop a sweaty email in my in-box.
In the immortal words of Justin Timberlake, "Cry me a (fucking) river."
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Adventures in Stupid
I went on my first 'organized' hike via an online group here in Seattle yesterday. While the leader was friendly and extremely enthusiastic, I thought she was well ... stupid.
Don't be a Laura Palmer
I had to bus out to an East Side Park & Ride to meet up with her so we all could carpool out to North Bend and Mount Si (former home of the TV show, Twin Peaks). The weirdness started at the P&R. I showed up, called her and then spent about 20 minutes on my cell phone trying to figure out where in the P&R she was. Sadly, the woman didn't know east from west or north from south. She kept saying "I'm on the other side of the parking garage". Which other side?
After I met her, she talked a lot about bagging peaks, summiting as quickly as possibly, etc. I calmly said I'd be going at my own pace, as in the advanced-arthritis-in-both-knees-deformed-feet-sane pace. Also, I'd never done the trail and had zero familiarity with it.
Eventually eight other people showed up, most wearing cross-training tennis shoes and carrying, what I thought, were pathetically small water bottles.
After an 85-MPH drive east on I-90 to North Bend, we reached the trail head and our leader (and the other uber fit) bounded off up the trail.
Within 30 minutes I was Ms. Dead Last, which is fine, but the PNW trees are so dense I couldn't see the group and that unsettled me. There were a lot of other people on the trail, herds of roaming Labradors, etc. but still ...
I got about 3 1/5 miles up the trail and was soaked with sweat, my feet were already killing me. I had just bought new/used hiking boots the day before and it was now a brutal contest between my smashed, bruised feet and the inside of the boots which had gone from soft and comfy to hard and unforgiving.
By 7:45 it was shifting from twilight to very dark and I decided to head back down and wait for everybody at the trail head. I had brought a flashlight but I didn't want to be crawling back down the trail in the dark, flashlight in my teeth with my feet throbbing with every step.
At the trail head, I ripped my damn boots off, put my trusty Keen sandals on, watered up, slathered mosquito repellent on and flopped down on a picnic bench to wait. I watched the sun disappear and waited for over two hours.
The main group didn't come down until after 10pm.
Personally, I think this is NOT the way to organize and run an evening hike. I don't care if you're an Olympic tri-athlete and you think the trail is basically an extension of your backyard. Hiking sans organization is a recipe for disaster. The only reason nobody got hurt on this woman's death march? Dumb luck.
I'm still reeling from the fact that she regularly goes out on all-day hikes with her 3-yr-old child sans map and a compass! She told me she was planning on putting her child in some sort of Beginning Rock Climbing Summer Camp ... when he turned four. Yikes!
I'm gonna put on my former Forest Service employee apron here and try and explain a few things. People die in the wilderness all the damn time.
The No. 1 way people get hurt or killed in the wild is THEY SLIP AND FALL. Half the time this can be prevented by not being an idiot: wearing supportive (and yes, comfortable) shoes, going at a moderate pace, watching where you put your feet and not sprinting up the trail like a deer on crystal meth.
Packing enough water so you don't get dehydrated and understanding basic orienteering (like the sun sets in the WEST, so if it's on your left shoulder, you are hiking roughly north, okay?) always helps.
So I wrote a little review of our hiking trip on the website, I was nicer than on here but I'm sure bounding trail runners on too much caffeine now hate me. So what. They're headed for a fall, I'm trying not to.
Hiking was the most common preinjury activity (55%)
Most Popular Ways to Die in the Wilderness
The 10 Essentials for Wilderness Hiking
And looking at the 10 Essentials now I can't help but want to edit a little.
Here's my 10 essentials in order of importance:
1. Water (and/or the means to purify water) (2 liters per adult MINIMUM)
2. Matches (and a lighter or any other fire starter)
3. Extra clothing (a hoodie, fleece, windbreaker, dry socks - SOMETHING!)
4. Knife (or Leatherman Tool or similar)
5. Food (trail mix or something high calorie with carbs and protein)
6. Flashlight or headlamp (more necessary in low-altitude, dense forests vs. high deserts)
7. A compass (and the basic ability to use one)
8. Sunglasses (I'm blind without my prescrip shades)
9. A map (good topographic printout preferred)
10. Simple first aid kit (and/or a mirror or some sort of signaling device)
I had to bus out to an East Side Park & Ride to meet up with her so we all could carpool out to North Bend and Mount Si (former home of the TV show, Twin Peaks). The weirdness started at the P&R. I showed up, called her and then spent about 20 minutes on my cell phone trying to figure out where in the P&R she was. Sadly, the woman didn't know east from west or north from south. She kept saying "I'm on the other side of the parking garage". Which other side?
After I met her, she talked a lot about bagging peaks, summiting as quickly as possibly, etc. I calmly said I'd be going at my own pace, as in the advanced-arthritis-in-both-knees-deformed-feet-sane pace. Also, I'd never done the trail and had zero familiarity with it.
Eventually eight other people showed up, most wearing cross-training tennis shoes and carrying, what I thought, were pathetically small water bottles.
After an 85-MPH drive east on I-90 to North Bend, we reached the trail head and our leader (and the other uber fit) bounded off up the trail.
Within 30 minutes I was Ms. Dead Last, which is fine, but the PNW trees are so dense I couldn't see the group and that unsettled me. There were a lot of other people on the trail, herds of roaming Labradors, etc. but still ...
I got about 3 1/5 miles up the trail and was soaked with sweat, my feet were already killing me. I had just bought new/used hiking boots the day before and it was now a brutal contest between my smashed, bruised feet and the inside of the boots which had gone from soft and comfy to hard and unforgiving.
By 7:45 it was shifting from twilight to very dark and I decided to head back down and wait for everybody at the trail head. I had brought a flashlight but I didn't want to be crawling back down the trail in the dark, flashlight in my teeth with my feet throbbing with every step.
At the trail head, I ripped my damn boots off, put my trusty Keen sandals on, watered up, slathered mosquito repellent on and flopped down on a picnic bench to wait. I watched the sun disappear and waited for over two hours.
The main group didn't come down until after 10pm.
Personally, I think this is NOT the way to organize and run an evening hike. I don't care if you're an Olympic tri-athlete and you think the trail is basically an extension of your backyard. Hiking sans organization is a recipe for disaster. The only reason nobody got hurt on this woman's death march? Dumb luck.
I'm still reeling from the fact that she regularly goes out on all-day hikes with her 3-yr-old child sans map and a compass! She told me she was planning on putting her child in some sort of Beginning Rock Climbing Summer Camp ... when he turned four. Yikes!
I'm gonna put on my former Forest Service employee apron here and try and explain a few things. People die in the wilderness all the damn time.
The No. 1 way people get hurt or killed in the wild is THEY SLIP AND FALL. Half the time this can be prevented by not being an idiot: wearing supportive (and yes, comfortable) shoes, going at a moderate pace, watching where you put your feet and not sprinting up the trail like a deer on crystal meth.
Packing enough water so you don't get dehydrated and understanding basic orienteering (like the sun sets in the WEST, so if it's on your left shoulder, you are hiking roughly north, okay?) always helps.
So I wrote a little review of our hiking trip on the website, I was nicer than on here but I'm sure bounding trail runners on too much caffeine now hate me. So what. They're headed for a fall, I'm trying not to.
Hiking was the most common preinjury activity (55%)
Most Popular Ways to Die in the Wilderness
The 10 Essentials for Wilderness Hiking
And looking at the 10 Essentials now I can't help but want to edit a little.
Here's my 10 essentials in order of importance:
1. Water (and/or the means to purify water) (2 liters per adult MINIMUM)
2. Matches (and a lighter or any other fire starter)
3. Extra clothing (a hoodie, fleece, windbreaker, dry socks - SOMETHING!)
4. Knife (or Leatherman Tool or similar)
5. Food (trail mix or something high calorie with carbs and protein)
6. Flashlight or headlamp (more necessary in low-altitude, dense forests vs. high deserts)
7. A compass (and the basic ability to use one)
8. Sunglasses (I'm blind without my prescrip shades)
9. A map (good topographic printout preferred)
10. Simple first aid kit (and/or a mirror or some sort of signaling device)
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Bob's gone
A close friend of mine died yesterday. Bob was a longtime Boeing employee, who worked as a technical writer and a successful children's book author who's best seller "Jump Frog Jump" has been translated into over 20 languages and one live performance musical. One of Bob's author bios.
Between getting the news today via cell phone and then going to Bikram yoga, I was just completely wiped out. I'm supposed to go to the memorial service as soon as his kids have it set up. I don't know what to say. I can't go into who this guy was right now. I feel kinda numb, like I was just dropped down a well.
Robert 'Bob' Kalan, Asian Art Museum, January 2008
Isn't it interesting how we all can only perceive death from our own tiny little perspective? Tomorrow, I have to go buy something black.
Between getting the news today via cell phone and then going to Bikram yoga, I was just completely wiped out. I'm supposed to go to the memorial service as soon as his kids have it set up. I don't know what to say. I can't go into who this guy was right now. I feel kinda numb, like I was just dropped down a well.
Isn't it interesting how we all can only perceive death from our own tiny little perspective? Tomorrow, I have to go buy something black.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
PETA anyone?
I just read another kick-ass story from LA Weekly. Seattle's version of a weekly blows. It's nothing but endlessly re-cycled restaurant reviews and ineffectual swipes at the local city government.
In order to get decent alternative weekly stories here, you have to grab a copy of Dan Savage's The Stranger and wade through the catty gay-boy gossip to find the meat-n-potatoes. But LA Weekly is fun in a slightly Goth sorta way. It's got endless tales of weird sexploitation and for some reason, a surplus of animal hording stories. This latest one had my heart going out to the rich, naive Yuppies of Palisades.
In order to get decent alternative weekly stories here, you have to grab a copy of Dan Savage's The Stranger and wade through the catty gay-boy gossip to find the meat-n-potatoes. But LA Weekly is fun in a slightly Goth sorta way. It's got endless tales of weird sexploitation and for some reason, a surplus of animal hording stories. This latest one had my heart going out to the rich, naive Yuppies of Palisades.
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