Monday, April 09, 2007

Honey, I don’t want your Bubba

Several years ago, one of my reporter friends wrote an article about a brothel in Battle Mountain. While interviewing one of the madams, he asked her what one of the biggest misconceptions was about hooking in a Nevada backwater like B.M. She said small town women universally believe hookers want to ‘steal’ their husbands away. The sweetest quote was: “Honey, I don’t want your Bubba.” I love that.

What’s weird is, I’ve found a disproportionate number of young Smug Marrieds (thanks Helen Fielding) seem to adopt a similar mentality toward all single women every where. Course this isn’t new.

It started in, oh, 1985. I was working a crap landscaping job in Sacramento. I had a co-worker who was a weekend mechanic and I had a question about my disintegrating Chevy Nova. I kept asking my cousin – who was his supervisor – to talk to the grease monkey for me. When she finally cornered him and asked him the question (having to do with the water pump) he blurted out: “I’m MARRIED, ya know!”

Um, that’s great. My question was about my freakin’ car, not your weenie, you dick.

In 2004, a (gasp) married co-worker agree to stop by to try and fix something on my computer. He showed up in a winter jacket, looking extra sweaty and nervous. It was July. The whole time he was in my studio apartment (about 7 ½ minutes) he kept glancing nervously at my bed (it’s a studio, you can’t miss it), my dirty laundry and me. Either the aroma of dirty laundry and the sight of a floppy, used bed is more seductive than a bucket of Calvin Klein perfume or I’m inhabiting a Guy Lair and no one ever told me.

What does go on in their tiny guy minds, I wonder? Do they jack off to fantasies of me (or insert ANY single woman) answering the door in a crouchless teddy with enough makeup on to make John Waters envious?

Fast forward to today and once again I’m dealing with this same weird, pointlessly awkward shit. Recently I had to meet a fellow student to go over a group project that was due in a few days. When my co-student showed up he brought his wife and their brand-new baby. His wife immediately sized me up. WTF? Even if we hypothesized for a second that this guy was single, he’s … just … not … my … type. He’s twitchy, doesn’t wash his hair and we have as much chemistry as a couple of flat sodas.

First thing they do upon arriving at our agreed coffee shop of choice? She plops the baby down in the middle of the table. It’s like: SEE? WE BREED! Yeah, so? You and every Yuppie from here to Ashland, Oregon. And he introduced her to me like three times before she reluctantly disappeared with baby on board to run errands. It was like someone saying to me at a party (in a bar, at a seminar, insert social event here): Hi, I’m MARRIED! This is MY SPOUSE! Did I mention we're MARRIED?!

So I’m hoping some married men, or their wives, can clue me in on what exactly is going on here. The second the ring gets jammed painfully onto his finger do all single women like me everywhere magically, miraculously transform into Kim Baysinger or Britney Spears look-alikes? Does answering the door in baggy sweats and a t-shirt send a secret signal of wild, rampant sexual promiscuity only married men can sense, kinda like whistles only dogs can hear? Do moldering piles of dirty laundry offer a whiff of untold lustful romps yet to come?

I don’t want your Bubba.

8 comments:

karrie said...

I'm not sure that I can help. I rarely react that way--at least to my knowledge.Sometimes I tease James about having a "girlfriend".

There were a few times when James and I were first together that women acted in ways that made me uncomfortable,but they were being obviously flirtatious (all tits out, and saying weird things), not merely being human or friendly.

But yeah, I don't want anyone else's Bubba either.

karrie said...

Brand new baby= utter insanity anyway. That one is kind of easy to understand. I think very few women feel good abt themselves soon after giving birth (everything leaks, you're saggy, tired, etc,.) and many of us become totally nutters too.

Jammer said...

I didn't understand this until about 6 years ago, but most of us men are just obsessed with sex.

Every time I see a woman between the ages of 13 and 60 or so (childbearingish years, I guess. Damn genetics), I quickly size her up subconsciously.

When I was single, so many other concerns had my brain, and the chance that I'd actually have a shot at sex with this random woman was so small that it didn't enter my mind.

However, once I was attached (dating, married), those thoughts jump higher into my mind. Because stakes have changed. If that one-in-a-googolplex chance happens, and some hot woman comes up to me and wants to go get steamy and gropy somewhere, I'd have to say no! So now, the mind is in a mini-turmoil. It's worrying about a decision it doesn't have to make. It's assessing a kind of danger. Some people call this the 'forbidden fruit effect.' I don't think it actually makes us want something more, but that it just brings the urges more to the front of our mind.

And yes, we wank to all sorts of random shit. Lots of stuff pops into your head, and it it works, you just go with it. :)

Anonymous said...

I think it all about whether people are happy and secure both personally and as a couple. If you're not confident as a person or if your signif other gives you reason to be doubtful that can cause some insecure shiznit. The FemBlogger.

Lindsay said...

HEHE...there was a really good sex and the city episode on this , as a MARRIED (did I mention married?!?) woman myself I could care less if you want him, you can have him.....less work for me!!!! :)

Mz M. said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mz M. said...

Meh ... I'm still not satisfied with the answers I got. I shoulda said I was referring to Marrieds and those with Steady Significant Others. I still think it's weird, like I have a Guy Lair and I don't even know it. More thoughts please ...

Sarina said...

I think women who exert that much energy (such as the spawn toting one you mentioned) probably either have a friend or they WERE the girl who fucked your boyfriend. You know? Like the catty bitch who only ever seems interested in men who are "off the market". We all know one, and hopefully we never were one, but that's what I suspect from that angle.

Plus she married the Bubba (LOL) so I am sure she thinks if she is into him that every other straight woman with a pulse would be too. That's her own insecurity though and pretty obvious.

As for the man? Well. Long story short- guys like sex, and they like to think life imitates the porn they've obsessed over since youth.

Well maybe if they were hot and single it would. LOL