Friday, August 03, 2007

HE TOUCHED A DEAD SQUIRREL !

So there I am laid out like a broken NFL player. The first week of July I had my nose completely closed off and tape up to my ears. (The creepy nervous exhaustion that went on for four days courtesy those nasty, filthy anesthesia drugs was NOT helping.) I'm sprawled on St. Claire's sofa in the sweet haven of Lake Stevens. And this woman has cable. So what to do when I can't do anything else? I stare vacantly at the boob tube.

There I am surfing while high on Extra-Strength Tylenol and Valium and all of the sudden I saw HIM on Discovery's Man Versus Wild. This freaky, plastically pretty Brit named "Bear" Grylls (real name Edward - thanks Wikipedia). See "Bear" used to be in the British Special Forces which makes him a lean, mean ... uh, freak ... poncey ... machine?



Don't get me started about how he whips his teeny willie out and, yes, pees on his own t-shirt, because afterward HE PUTS IT ON HIS HEAD. Well, it's "beastly hot" he explains. "Bear" and camera crew are in southern Utah in the middle of summer. (I was in southern Utah in August, mister, and not once did I pee on my clothes. They have Quicky Marts full of bottled water.)

No, no, friend, the piece de resistance came when (I'm shaking as I type this) "Bear" ... touched ... a ... dead ... squirrel. This wasn't just some random carrion like "Bear" would dine on. Oh, no. This was the most putrid, greenish, blow-fly ridden, swollen sack of maggots ever to grace a pond in the southwest. It was the kind of carrion other dead things would try and creep away from on their maggoty little feet. It was that skeevy. "Bear" doesn't just touch the stinking carcass, he gets in the damn water with it, he fucking takes a bath with the thing!

Suddenly, Claire who is crashing around in her kitchen, hears me croak in the most pathetic, nasal voice: "OHMIGOD! COME QUICK! YER MISSING IT! HE TOUCHED A DEAD SQUIRREL! OHMIFUCKINGGOD! GROSS! EEEK!"

3 comments:

Jammer said...

Are you sure this wasn't a hallucination? Pissing on his clothes and touching a putrefied dead squirrel? If not, I've gotta see this show.

Mz M. said...

All true. No hallucination.

Sarinaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa said...

1) Aha, see I knew you liked sports with that oh-so-stellar intro ;)

2) I LOVE BEAR GRYLLS! He is all that is man. LOL. Looks aside, he intrigues me because he does things I would never do (and I fancy myself on the adventurous side of life) like... touch a dead squirrel. Or take a bite out of a salmon that was just caught in a river. Or eat a lizard he just grabbed.

Thanks to Bear, I now know what to do when I inevitably wander off on whatever exotic vacation I had planned... as long as I always keep a knife on me. Hm add that to my packing list I guess- right next to "fuck me pumps" and "barely there nipple covers".